First up this month: Grown Ups 2 (August 2) or ‘Adam Sandler and Friends’ Generic Money Spinning Project #165’.
Lazy, sexist, crass lowest common denominator humour wrapped up in pretence of being a part-buddy movie, part-schmaltzy family flick. Here is a brief run down of the ‘plot’: Sandler and childhood friends must battle the bros from the local frat house (Taylor Lautner and a too-old-looking Milo Ventimiglia) while bitching about their hot, nagging wives.
Either way, whatever parts constitute that whole are an irrelevant: the entirety amounts to an over-indulgent, humourless time-waste that will not only make you question why you paid to see such garbage, but make you question your very existence. I call it ‘Adam Sandler-induced existential Angst’.
The entire movie is Sandler and his middle-aged cronies burpsnarting and bitching about their beautiful wives and middle-aged, First World problems.
But guess what? At the time of going to press Grown Ups 2 was second on the US box office chart – only Despicable Me: 2 made more money. That means despite the excoriating reviews, the awful movie-aggregate site scores (a 7% ‘Rotten’ rating on Rotten Tomatoes) and the blatant shoddiness of everything and everyone involved (David Spade!), hundreds of thousands of Americans paid money to see this. And then lied about it online. Irish audiences will probably do the same, so enjoy the deer piss, gentle reader.
Next up: Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (August 7), the long-awaited big screen outing of Steve Coogan’s classically clueless comic creation.
The story is thus: North Norfolk Digital, home of Mid Morning Matters With Alan Partridge, has been taken over by a faceless media conglomerate and renamed Sphere. Fired ex-DJ Pat Farrell (Colm Meaney), in a fit of intense disgruntlement, takes the station hostage and only East Anglia’s number one son can act as negotiator.
Back are some familiar faces, like put-upon PA Lynne and some new ones like Colm Meaney, which, together with the rest of the talent involved (including Armando Iannucci) means that needless to say, Patridge fans will have the last laugh.
Will non-Partridge fans enjoy the silliness? I’ve Norfolking idea!
Lastly, in every respect, The Lone Ranger (August 9). Poor Johnny Depp! A lifetime of getting away with being a terrible, overrated actor incapable of doing accents purely because of his (allegedly) smouldering good-looks, only to be caught well and truly out by the irredeemably bad Lone Ranger.
Ha! It’s about time, because JD is to acting what Joan Crawford is parenting and it’s about time movie-goers realised this. Johnny plays Tonto, Native American hat-rack/side-kick to the Lone Ranger.
Why does a character with ‘Lone’ in his name even have a side-kick? Good question, but a better one might be ‘Why did Disney decide to resurrect The Lone Ranger at all?’ It’s almost as if HOLLYWOOD HAS RUN OUT OF ORGINAL IDEAS, or something.
See it, forget about it, mourn the decline of the movie industry.