Jackass 3D/ Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1/ Machete

Get ready for some panoramic effluvial emissions in Jackass 3D (November 5), starring Johnny Knoxville and his crew of retired skateboarders/ crash-test dummies.

There is no plot per se, and as anyone familiar with the TV series will know this is basically just 2 hours of stupid, yet personable, men getting smashed up for the sake of entertainment. 

While there is a perverse pleasure to be had from seeing a bunch of degenerate losers desperate for cash and/or fame being mercilessly beaten and humiliated in a series of disgusting and preposterous stunts – the Bungee Porta-potty ‘springs’ to mind – this isn’t a movie for those of a sensitive disposition.

Next up, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (November 19), the penultimate instalment of JK Rowling’s epic wizarding franchise.

The story follows Harry and Co in their quest to find and destroy the Horcruxes which, as even a squib could tell you, are the source of evil Lord Voldemort’s immortality.

Usually at this point in the marketing campaign of sequential children book-to-movie adaptations, someone – usually the director – will enthusiastically proclaim how much “darker” this installment will be, presumably in an attempt to seduce disinterested adults to the Potter Party. In this case though, it’s true; this movie has far fewer Muggles and far more murder, with Ralph Fiennes pulling out all the stops to deliver his hammiest – but most chilling – performance of Voldemort to date. Altogether now: EXPELLIARMUS!

Then we’ve got Machete (Nov 26) the tale of gnarled-looking latino Señor Machete (and super caliente Jessica Alba).

The plot is scant and rather inconsequential: Machete has been wronged and rather than contact the Mexican Citizens Advice Bureau, he decides to settle things with – you guessed it – his machete. Throw in an oh-so-trendy soundtrack lifted directly from some obscure Blaxplotation movie (probably), numerous explosions, an eye-patch sporting baddie (I guess the props department must have run out of twiddly moustaches?) and you’ve got the exact same cliché-ridden, unimaginative drivel that director Robert Rodriguez’s BFF Quentin Tarentino has been churning out for years.

However, it does have two things going for it: Linsday Lohan and Jessica Alba.