300: Rise of an Empire/ Noah / Captain America: Winter Soldier

Next up this month 300: Rise of an Empire (March 7) and the return of stupendously ripped torsos, visually stunning viscera and a brunette Lena Hadley. Hurray!

Set directly after the events of 300 (in which Spartan leader and chocolate company inspiration Leonidas was killed by the gilded ‘god king’ Xerxes), the movie follows the Greek general Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton) as he leads the charge against the invading Persian forces, again led by Xerxes. Cue beaucoup sex, violence and even sexy violence.

A feast for the eyes, fans of Spartacus (a criminally underrated show) and aesthetically-advantaged Adonises will love it.

Next up this month, nautical/ Biblical nonsense in the form of Noah (March 7), starring the cantankerous but talented Russell Crowe as the titular hero. If you can call someone who avoids drowning a hero, that is.

Anyway, for the areligious among you the story is thus: a man (Noah) has a prophetic dream about an apocalyptic deluge and builds a vessel (an Ark!) to save his family and two of every animal, except for the ardently atheistic unicorns. Tacked on is a story about wicked villagers (led by a dishevelled Ray Winstone) trying to seize the Ark, but everything, including the plot, comes second to the CGI effects.

Despite rumours that director Darren Aronofsky and Paramount had clashed over the final cut of the movie (allegedly the Passion of the Christ crowd found Crowe’s performance “too dark”), the finished product will likely be a massive hit with religious fundamentalists and people who always felt like Emma Watson should be in more films.

Finally this month: Captain America: The Winter Soldier (March 28), the Cap’s first big-screen outing since 2012’s The Avengers.

The story is thus: two years after the events of The Avengers, gun-shy Steve Rogers is struggling to adapt to life as a civilian in the ‘10s. His mind gets taken off it pretty quickly when one of his SHIELD colleagues is attacked, sparking off a mystery that only the Cap, Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson reprising her role as the sexy sort-of-Russian spy) and the Falcon can solve.

Hey! That reminds me of a joke I saw on Tumblr: what happened to Hugo Weaving at the end of the first Captain America movie? He was deHydrated.