Tonight’s show kicked off with one of the really exciting warnings: ‘Be prepared for offensive language and uncomfortable scenes involving adult and sexual themes.’
“Uncomfortable scenes” involving sex? Are they all gonna have an orgy while reading mean Tweets about themselves or something? Let’s find out!
The first part of last night’s recap was a mostly dull affair, despite the sexy warning at the start. Groggy, gravel-voiced and looking like raccoons, the housemates awoke to their first morning in the CBB gaff.
Scotty T got up and, being
working class in possession of a twenty-something’s metabolism, immediately set to making a fried breakfast.
Elsewhere, Winston began his nebulous political ranting to a visibly bored Gemma. Needless to say “Indiginous”, “a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work” and other suspiciously BNP-sounding phrases abound.
Meanwhile Danniella, Daz and J Part are still stuck in wood-panelled room, eating gruel and swapping LA drug stories. In order to release them, the other housemates are tasked with lining themselves up, from most to least annoying person. Uh oh.
This is usually where things kick off, but this time it backfired. The three most annoying housemates’ – Scotty, Jeremy and Stephanie – don’t care if people find them annoying; they’ve literally built their careers on it (well, the dudes have. Steph’s just doing her time ’til her penance is over)!
So Geordie, Holly of Oaks and Britain’s Next Top Tattoo Removal Candidate were given a basket of keys and told that finding the relevant ones would unlock the garden (smoking), the kitchen (booze), the bathroom (y’know) and win freedom from the gruel-munchers in the wooden room.
Elsewhere Tiffany (HBIC) and Jonathan (who sort of reminds me of Moon face from the Faraway Tree books) stage the first US huddle of the season. When the Americans start huddling and whispering, it means there’s some hair-pulling (literal or figurative) on the horizon. Hold on to your weave folks.
While discussing whether or not they had criticised Angie for talking too much, New York tells Jonathan: “No, I would never say that,” before adjusting an enormous eyelash and adding “..not at this stage of the game. It’s too early to start bugging off. Not yet….”.
Say what you like about Americans, but they get how to play the Big Brother game.
Back in the bedroom, more tantalising but frustratingly vague hints about the details of Danniella and Christopher’s fight began to surface. It involved a relapse, a panto gig and a man. Stay tuned for more details.
Time for a spanner in the works. Geordie T, Hollyoaks and Tattoo neck are called to the diary room and told that because
nothing else is happening they won the task, they will be solely responsible for deciding who goes up for eviction. Drama!
Social niceties usually compel the celebs to look stricken over having to make such a decision. “I can’t! Everyone is so nice!” etc, until they inevitably choose the person who snores the loudest.
Not this time though; it took the Tatt Man all of 5 seconds to nominate Nancy Dell’Olio, branding her “intimidating”. Her phenomenal intelligence (she’s a lawyer who speaks 4 languages!) and metres of smooth, unillustrated skin was obviously too much for him to handle.
Hollyoak and Geordie T at least tried to seem conflicted about it. Scotty cited Winston’s greedy behaviour at meal times (not his right-wing political views or rampant homophobia) as a “pet hate.”
Putting her high-quality acting skills to work, Stephanie screwed up her little face and picked Kristina, ostensibly for giving out to her for making noise, but really, for being over 30. “A proper adult,” Steph called her euphemistically, which is twenty-something code for ‘positively geriatric’.
The reason for the “uncomfortable” warning at the beginning became all-too clear after the housemates got access to alcohol.
When it became clear that the newly-returned housemates (including openly gay John Patridge remember) would be needing somewhere to sleep, a drunken Winston repeatedly slurred that he would sleep on the floor before sharing a bed with a man.
“It’s against my principles!” Nancy refused to engage with such foolishness and dismissed him with a wave of beautifully manicured hand.
A psychologist might link this event with what followed later in the bedroom, where Winston became more handsy than a sex-offending octopus on shore leave.
There was a toe-curlingly embarrassing exchange with Tiffany NY wherein he drunkenly begged her to get under the covers with him. “I’ve been waiting for this moment,” he slurred, “and I’ve waited patiently..”
When she declined on the grounds that she wasn’t wearing any underwear (!) he became even more sleazy, forcing feminist icon and defender of womanly virtue Gemma Collins to interject.
That earlier warning was no lie: it was intensely uncomfortable viewing.
In other news, Angie called Jonathan an “obnoxious American.” Seriously, Angie? A self-hating ‘Merican is the worst kind. If she starts trying to put on a Lancashire accent like Austin Armacot, I’m outta here.
Not shown in last night’s episode was Kristina Rihanoff’s (the Siberian
Snooze Siren) revelation that she’s pregnant with Ben Cohen’s baby. Was the babushka announcement a bit of cynical sympathy soliciting on the nominated Siren’s part?
Who will go in tonight’s eviction? Paddy Power has Winston at 1/10 odds on to go and by golly I hope they’re right!