It’s here, viewerfriends. The last dinner party already. Can you believe it? This one is probably going to be a snooze-fest since the remaining couples are all so pally-pally, right?
Wrong.
No spoilers but it turns out that this dinner party might’ve had an open-pour policy, or else the couples all snuck in secret naggins of buckfast or something cos they. get. tipsy.
We see the obligatory preparation footage before the party: men ironing, women doing make-up, Adam is ironing topless while Tayah does her make-up. When the camera is on Tayah you can see that as she’s talking to Adam her eyes keep wandering down to his buff bod. He is also wearing a pair of incredibly tight trousers. Maybe she was expecting him to burst out of them like the Hulk. They discuss whether Luke and Morag will work. They decide that it will ultimately rest on Morag’s ability to woman up.
Over in the lair of the Lorag, Luke tells Morag he’s nervous that the topic of homestays will come up because he feels like he let Morag down. Excuse me, what? What homestay episode was he watching? Morag for her part is just “genuinely” looking to have fun.
They may not be fundamentally compatible but they both use ‘genuinely’ and ‘generally’ as synonyms so at least they’ve got that.
We catch up with Matt and Dan. Dan is ironing and Matt is speaking about how Morag has made a “mug” of Luke. Ever the peace-loving hippie, Dan offers noncommittal shrugs. Outside Matt tells the camera that it’s really not okay for Morag to try and change Luke into the meaty, mean airhead of her dreams. “The person he is inside is what’s most important and Morag should be able to see that.”
Mel shows up and reminds us that dinner parties are high pressure situations for the couples because “everyone wants to know everyone’s business”. You said it, girl. Right on cue, we see Matt and Dan in their cab. Matt says that he has “certain questions” tonight. There is some very tense music underscoring the cab rides so there’s definitely something brewing.
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We catch up with the experts in their observation chamber. “Tonight we’re going to get some interesting insights,” says Mel. “I don’t know if they’ll all successfully stay in their relationships,” says Paul earnestly. Honestly, where did they get this guy? We’ll be lucky to pull in Kitchen Nightmare stats here which is roughly 1 success for every 50 failures here.
Anyway, first in the door are Matt and Dan. Matt is wearing a suit and Dan is wearing a maroon shirt with a cream jumper strewn insouciantly over his shoulders. From the front it just looks like a white scarf. He tells Matt he hopes tonight goes well as he really doesn’t want any “dramz”. Get out now, child because drama’s a-coming.
Next in are Morag and Luke. Straight off Matt asks how the home-stays went. They agree it was a shit show, but at least Morag got to see a different side of Luke and she says quite liked it. “When you’re pissed off you’re really sexy,” she says. “Ahaha..yeah,” responds Luke. “Just don’t keep pushing me.”
Marilyse and Franky are next in, quickly followed by Tadam, who regale everyone with their adorable home-stay experience. Super. Amy and Josh are in next. Amy is wearing another high-fashion number pink, with huge shoulder pads. The experts notice that Josh is also wearing pink.
Now everyone is here, Matt asks for the group’s best and worst moments of the experiment. Luke cites his hellish experience with Morag’s mean mate. He says he felt “alone” in that moment. Morag says that she should’ve been there for her husband but she was wrapped up in her own thoughts. He tells the group that he wanted to walk away, but Morag didn’t want it to end.
Morag says that her best part has been watching “how far” Luke has come, compared to how he was at the beginning. “That’s nice,” Luke tells her.
Outside, Matt has a different read. “I really hope Morag can up her game and accept Luke for who he is but from some of her comments today about loving that fact that he’s ‘changing’ does worry me.” Hmmm.
Josh is asked about his experience meeting Amy’s friends. He tells them that they grilled him like the slab of impassive meat that he is and that eventually he told them what they wanted to hear so they’d leave him alone. This is clearly something Josh has been doing all along. If you watch the earlier commitment ceremonies he basically acquiesces to everything that the experts say.
However, this is news to Amy who shoots him a concerned glance, possibly at the realisation that standard interrogation tactics don’t work on this man. Expert Charlene speculates that Amy’s mates were probably asking the questions that she wants to know that answers to, namely: do you love Amy, Josh?
Overall it’s a hopeful group gathered at the table munching their entrees and sipping their Chardonnay. Amy stands up to give a speech, saying now that Bob’s gone, finally someone else has the chance to speak. The content is basically: let’s enjoy tonight. If only it were that easy, Amy.
Tayah announces to the table that she and Adam are “expecting”. A puppy, not a baby. And by the sounds of it they’ve bought a designer dog (a “cockapoo”) instead of adopting one, like decent people, so fuck them. When the honesty box comes out I hope it blows their relationship to pieces.
On that note, the ‘honesty box’ aka the hurt locker appears on the table. The couples know what this means. Dan asks Matt his question first: “If you could make any of other husband at the table gay who would it be or why?”
“It would 100% be Luke,” he says, “because Luke has the purest heart..You’d make anybody the most amazing husband. Morag, you are so lucky to have that guy” he points his finger empathically at a bashful Luke. Matt appears to be a little tipsy, and looking around the table, he’s not the only one. There are some glazed eyes and crooked smiles out there.
Next, Franky asks Mar: “Do you want to have a child with me?” Amy’s reaction expressions to these questions are priceless. Her eyes nearly pop out of her skull at this one. “Right now the answer is no,” Mar says. “I’m not going to rush into having a child right now.” The tense music plays but I’m not sure why, since we’ve already seen them have this conversation yesterday and we know the answer. Evidently the producers expected it to generate some dramatic tension but it doesn’t so we move along to the next question.
The question is for Josh: “What do you love about Amy?” asks Adam. “She bears me in mind all the time,” he said. Amy jumps in and says that two weeks ago her wrote her a list of 50 things he likes about her and two things he didn’t. “The two things..took an hour,” she says.
“WHAT WERE THEY?” says Matt, thirsty for the sweet nectar of drama. “I wouldn’t says she selfish but sometimes she not consideration. Sometimes it can be all about Amy,” he says. We don’t get a reaction shot of her when he says this, but since there’s not dramatic outburst we move swiftly along to the next question.
Franky asks Mar: “Is it too much pressure for you if I move my entire life back here from Dubai?”
“If it was for other reasons like your mum, a new life for yourself, I’d totally accept it. If it was just purely for me I’d feel pressure.” He tells her that it’s “80%” for her and as that as soon as she told him she had kids, he was already thinking about moving back. Again, this is contradictory information, and Franky delivers it as though it has been pre-prepared. For some reason, triumphant music is playing, like we’re seeing something really special here when their relationship has been mostly a cause for concern.
Luke is positively giddy to read the next question (seriously, they’ve never been this drunk before – I bet the restaurant /production staff are still giving them a wine allotment for 8 couples instead of the current 6. Or at least that’s the excuse they’ll use to Ofcom).
“What’s the sexiest thing about me?” Luke asks Morag. “When you get aggressive, honey!” Morag laughs. To their left, a disapproving Matt, who is leaning back holding a wine glass like Tyrion Lannister, turns lazy-lidded to Dan and half-whispers “..but that’s not him.” Dan pretends not to hear or acknowledge it, keeping an awkward smile on his face instead. HA! Dan knows where this is headed. Maybe they were late back from their honeymoon because Matt was detained at the airport for defended some other under-appreciated husband in Customs.
“BUT is the fiery side Luke, or not Luke?” asks Matt. “It’s not Luke but it is a side of him that I hadn’t seen yet and obviously I need that fire and that passion.” Matt sighs dramatically but no one notices. I’m so disappointed that this Matt is only making an appearance now during the last dinner party. But I suppose Matt’s kind of drama is sort of second-wave.
In reality shows like this one where dramatic interactions are not only encouraged but de rigour a certain kind of person must be selected. Those people are the first wave and they are they most explosive ones, the sexiest ones, the most tearful ones. Basically, your Nikitas, your Ants and Alexis’ and your Bobs and Morags. They are the sharks in the tank and they keep things moving. They almost inevitably explode early, leaving a big boring drama-less trench in the show. BUT if producers are clever and pick a suitably strong second wave cast (like Amy and Matt) then the fireworks will continue. This viewerfriends is what is happening in #MAFS tonight.
Anyway, back at the table the second wave assault on Morag and Luke’s relationship continues. “I’m a bit old school with the whole love thing. If it’s there it’s there.” Matt tells the couple. “I think you know deep down whether..it’s going to be this big love.”
Outside he tells the camera that Luke is an amazing person, “but Morag is not the person for him.”
Question time continues inside. Amy asks Josh: “Do you love me?” Oh my god, fucking give it a rest producers. Josh once again talks about how he doesn’t fall in love quickly etc, but Merlot Matt is having none of it mate. “JOSH! Do you love Amy?” He roars in exasperation.
Amy looks at Josh and says “Answer me, not the group.” He tells her he has loads of love for her but it slow to fall in love because of his life experiences. He continues talking until he gets to “I could fall in love with you, yes.” The rest of the gang applaud and a delighted Amy gives him a big kiss, conveniently putting to the back of her mind the bit the information from early that he when he’s under interrogation he’ll tell you what you want to hear. “You love me!” shouts Amy. Across the table Matt rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in a gesture of pure AMY COP-ON TO YOURSELF LOVE.
Next question is for Morag. Matt sits forward in his chair for this one. “‘Why was the old Luke not good enough for you?’” she reads. Luke just stares sadly at the table, hearing this. “I really wanna know the answer to this one,” Matt says twice. Morag turns to Luke and says “Can I just ask the question: was the old Luke good enough for you?”
“Don’t flip it around on him!” Tayah says quickly. Matt backs her up. “Don’t do that,” he says to Morag before asking “why?”. “Leave her to answer,” says Josh. “I’m gunna leave her answer, but I I wanna know the answer.”
Morag says that the original Luke, Luke 1.0 from the beginning was still on a journey of self discovery. “I picked up on that..it was hard to see you struggling,” she says. A frowning Matt throws up his hands once more in exasperation while next to him Dan is staring vacantly into the distance, presumably visiting his happy place by the sea. “I’m gonna explode any second,” he says, a bit too loudly, to Dan. “Oh dear,” says Dan.
“What was the struggle?” Asks Matt. “..I felt Luke’s pain..” Morag begins before Matt cuts across her with “What pain? He is who he is!” Morag disputes this, saying the Luke Matt met was a different one to the one she met. “I met a really amazing Luke,” Matt counters.
“Yes, I got a lot wrong in the beginning,” Morag concedes. “HOW does that make you feel now,” Matt says animatedly, pointing his index and pinky fingers at Morag.
She says that she knows now that the checklist she had coming into the experiment for what a perfect man should be was “complete bollocks”. She says that they’ve both been on a journey of self discovery and her issue wasn’t that Luke wasn’t good enough more that just “wasn’t there yet.”
“Fair enough,” says Luke, still looking sad. Good work, honesty box. He says that he felt as though he was fine, but he doesn’t think he really was because he didn’t love himself. A tearful Morag says they are both completely different now to when they started the process.
Expert Paul says the Morag has been through the most in the experiment and gone through a process of self-reevaluation.
Back at the table a very pissed Luke continues to tell the table how deep down he knows how Morag feels about him, and regardless of what happens she has already changed his life. Outside she tells the camera that she hopes her candour shows Luke how much she cares.
Dan and Matt read the next question and it’s a reliable drama creator: “Rank the couples in order of best to worst matched, include yourselves.” This is a good one. They award the easiest first: Adam and Tayah, best couple. They award themselves second, Mar and Franky third. When it comes to awarding 4th, Matt says he’s “split” (because there’s no way he’s not giving Lorag last place, right?) But Dan jumps in and says “Luke you’ve been so vulnerable..and Morag you’ve been vulnerable but not as vulnerable because of past experiences..”
“Fourth,” interrupts Amy pointing at Lorag and then at herself and Josh: “Fifth”.
The Experts point out that having her relationship ranked last is probably going to “land very heavily” for Amy. If by “land hard” they mean ‘cause a tantrum’ then, yeah they might be right. The next question is for Amy: “who are you most surprised to still be here tonight, in terms of the experiment?”
Amy picks Morag and Luke because they had a lot of issues which were not “petty” like the issues she and Josh have encountered. “I know me and Josh have had issues, but ours were very petty and like yours ran a bit deeper. I thought maybe you wound’t make it to the end.”
“I think a lot of us thought that about you guys as well,” says Merlot Matt, clearly eager to keep the drama train a-chugging. Dan tells Josh that he’s happy for the couple and Josh looks pleased.
Franky stands up and decides to deliver a speech. He thanks the matchmakers for finding him the love of his life. “I am literally the happiest man alive,” he says looking completely miserable. If you’re really that happy tell your face, because you looked like you enjoyed almost being thrown by a horse more.
Paul applauds Franky for speaking so much and being so emotional. Seriously, now Paul, what episode are you watching because a) Franky pontificates almost as much as Bob cries and b) he expressed more emotion eating a burger at the Boy-b-que than just now. Someone needs to revoke Paul’s expert credentials. Expert Charlene says it was courageous, which is fair enough.
Tayah reads the next one: “Rank the couples in order of how long you think they will last for the following amounts of time: Forever, 2 decades, 2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days.” Tayah picks she and Adam to last forever. Two decades she awards to Dan and Matt (so, so wrong), two years she gives Franky and Mar. She gives two weeks to Morag and Luke, assuring them that she’s sure they’ll actually last a long time.
“I don’t know if you can all feel this fucking table rocking, because that is my legs fucking going from anxiety ‘cause I am fucked off right now.” Three F bombs in the one sentence. She must be raging. “Why are you fucked off?” Tayah asks. “Because we’re gonna get two days,” Amy responds tersely.
Tayah exclaims that she hasn’t gotten to know them as a couple and tells Amy not to take it personally, to which Amy rolls her eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes, Amy” says Tayah. Amy denies rolling her eyes (though she definitely did). “We’re coming off last,” she says, shrugging her massive shoulders-pads.
“You’ve not been that open within your relationship,” says Matt. “What? We’ve been fucking more than open,” says Josh who feels like he’s been super candid but let’s face it: his family weren’t at the wedding or homestays and all the other couples know about him is that he’s definitely not in love with Amy (yet). The man is practically a mystery.
Matt tries to pry some more but Franky comes to Josh’s rescue. “Josh, like I, in public is a bit of a closed book, but you get us behind closed doors, buddy, and we open up,” he says.
Yeah but we’ve seen how close you folks are, says Matt, but we haven’t seen that from Amy and Josh. Most people agree that this is a fair assessment. Outside Amy tells the camera that their relationship is “misunderstood” by the group.
“When did you know that you loved me?” Tayah asks Adam. He cites a game of tennis they had on honeymoon and says that after that he knew. She tells the group that she feels “blessed” to have met someone like Adam. “I feel very at peace with my life now.” Bleurg.
Luke tells Matt that he thinks that he and Morag’s many disagreements up until now will only serve to make them stronger in the outside world. “We’ve got through adversities early,” he says. “Some of the couples that haven’t had that – it will come at some point.”
“And that worries me,” says Matt. Right on schedule, the next question is for Daniel and Matt reads it. “What do you see as our biggest challenge ahead?” Three guesses as to what the answer will be. “I thought it was the location,” he says, “but I think there are a lot of reservations about whether you’re ready and willing to move.” Dan obviously knows how much Matt loves Leeds and his family. His face is sadly serious. Matt gives it some waffle about embracing life and says “who knows where we could end up?”
Adam rounds the evening off with a bland speech to lasting relationships. Huzzah! And that’s pretty much it. We get a clip of tomorrow and it’s the final vows part one. *The final vow-down.. da-da da-da*. See you then, viewerfriends.
Married at First Sight UK airs at 9pm, Monday – Thursday on E4
Be Unkind, Rewind 