Jessica Fletcher visits the Golden Girls
Ragnarok Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Jutulheim | Mr Plowed
In this episode: Magne gets ploughed – the Jutuls host a meat ’n’ mead – Salmon school is in session
The action opens with Laurits and Magne confronting the ‘camping neighbour’ about the burglary (I’m guessing they probably call him something stronger in Norwegian but the subtitles keep it clean). He reluctantly tells the brothers he noticed a suspiciously nice car with a vicious, attention-attracting hellhound parked outside earlier.
(Seriously, now. Vidar’s driving around in his own car in the middle of the day breaking into houses?! Why doesn’t he have any minions to do this kind of grunt-work for him? He’s literally the town’s most famous citizen and he’s out burgling. )
Magne is sent to Edda’s least sympathetic therapist, Sindre, who dismisses his feelings then runs right to Principal Ran to spill everything afterwards. Sindre tells Ran that Magne suspects Vidar of being the one who broke into his house. One good thing is that we find out it’s been a week since the burglary, so time does actually progress in Edda.
Back at home, Turid who is painting the sitting room a weird lilac colour, confronts the boys about the newly-returned headphones and the shaken-up ‘camping neighbour’ who returned them. Magne tells her that camping neighbour found the door open and the house upside down and spotted spotting Vidar’s car outside.
Turid snorts her heartiest snort at the idea of the town’s richest and most famous resident breaking into their house in the middle of the day, in his own car. And well she might, because let’s face it – it’s ridiculous. Erik shows up and gives Magne Isolde’s teeny computer (sans charger).
Over in Giant Grove, Ran confronts Vidar about breaking into Magne’s house in his own car with his uniquely recognisable hellhound in the middle of the day.
In the school, a stressed Gry is left carrying the bulk of a group project as the bulk of her group – Magne and Isolde – are busy and dead, respectively. She tells Fjor she saw his dad beat the hair gel off of him last week. Fjor brushes it off, telling her that Vidar is just “old fashioned” and offering to take her for a relaxing drive. Saxa and Laurits decide to hijack the date.
Elsewhere, Magne harangues the chief about the investigation but at this point everyone is like, get over it. She points out discrepancies in his statement: how could he have left Isolde at 4pm and made it back into town a half hour later when that journey takes 90 minutes? You must be the fastest person on earth, she says.
Out on the road, Fjor shoots daggers at Saxa in the rearview while Laurits flirts with him. He plays some more sexy Old Tongue tunes, which Gry hates but both Saxa and Laurits dig. When she asks him what language it’s in, he says ‘the old tongue’ before Saxa quickly corrects him, saying it’s Icelandic. Once again I am struck by how, for thousands of years-old beings they are not a bit discrete.
During the trip along various terrifyingly sheer cliffs, they hit a bird and stop the car to offer assistance. Fjor and Saxa hop out to take a look and right there, in the middle of the road Saxa gingerly picks up the bird…and stuffs it in her mouth. A live (well, before the car hit it) bird. Into her mouth. With Laurits and Gry sitting a few feet away in the Volvo.
Elsewhere, Magne tests his speed by timing himself running down a really long hallway and discovers he can run 100m in 7 seconds. Impressive, sure, but the cops aren’t going to believe that either.
Erik is offered the clothes in which his daughter died but finds the thought horrifying and so offers them to the grieving Magne instead. During the phone call to offer him the clothes, Magne is hit by a snow plow.
The Jutuls celebrate Magne’s squashing, taking the opportunity to call each other out on their sloppy behaviours of late. They agree to distance themselves from human relationships from now on. They discuss the barrels in the glacier and Fjor explains that hiding your toxic garbage in glaciers was just the done thing in the Sixties and that’s why he did it. Why weren’t we consulted, asks Vidar. Well, you were the children then, Fjor reminds him. Hmmm.
The doctors are amazed that Magne is unharmed, apart from his hair which deteriorates in each episode. His mother isn’t called to the hospital even though her minor son was hit with a snow plough. Guess who rolls by on a gurney as Magne exits the hospital? The dead ‘camping neighbour’, who we hear apparently “slipped and broke his neck”. Slipped and broke his neck at the hands of a no-doubt shirtless Vidar. Back at home, Magne continues his weird habit of recording voice notes on his phone that are sure to come back and incriminate him one day.
In the next day’s salmon class (honestly, they’re learning about salmon), Saxa is shocked to see Magne still alive. She starts a fight with him about Jutul Industries definitely not being an evil polluter.
After class Magne asks his Salmon Studies teacher if dried blood can be tested and if so, would she be able to test some dried blood for him, please? She says ‘sure, why not’ as though that is the reaction a teacher would have to a question about blood from the class oddball.
Later that day during a study session Magne shoves Isolde’s bloody death jacket under Gry’s nose and asks her to take a sniff. No, I’ll pass on smelling Isolde’s death shroud thanks very much, is her response. Undeterred, Magne tells her that he can smell two different types of blood. One is obviously Isolde’s but whose is the other?
Boob guy Oscar runs into the diner where the cool kids hang and says that a rumour is spreading that Principal Ran banged two students. Ooh! Saxa deflects attention by outing Gry as a virgin.
Gry runs home only to discover that her sick father won’t be getting compensation despite being left with permanent lung problems from working at the Jutul coal mine, or whatever it is.
The Jutuls invite the Seier boys to dinner – without their mother. It’s a lonely Elk Pot Noodle in front of the TV for Turid.
Up at the big house a lavish smorgasbord is laid out. First, a seafood bounty with lots of decadent lobster and spiky sea urchins. Then lamb, followed by a huge slab of red meat complimented with lots of wine and shots. Magne eats and eats and drinks and drinks – but doesn’t get drunk.
Eventually, Vidar ever-so-casually offers him an another beverage from a special tap set into the side of the stone fireplace (such luxury!) Not everyone can handle it, Vidar warns Magne before handing him a horn of mead (“mjød”).
Of course, Magne guzzles it down like a thirsty viking, telling Vidar it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. Meanwhile back at the Seier’s, Turid is enjoying a dinner of cheesy puffs when Gry calls and Turid realises that it’s only her kids partying at Jutulheim tonight. She looks concerned.
Magne, starting to feel the effects of the mead, begins dancing. Well, not dancing exactly. More like flailing his arms and screaming. He finishes by flinging an axe at the kitchen axe target so hard it shatters in half.
He offers to arm wrestle Ran in a show of strength while Vidar is out walking Trym. She’s about to beat him when suddenly he gets a glimpse of the true face beneath her glamorous facade.
It is that of an wizend, tawny-eyed crone. He runs to the bathroom mirror and is shocked to see a grizzled warrior staring back at him. It is then Magne realises: he would look good with a ponytail IS Thor.
And that is it for episode 3!
Völva’s views:
- When Vidar takes his shirt off, you’d better run!
- It seems weird that eternal creatures would be such prolific polluters? I mean, unless they can colonise space they’re gonna need the planet – specifically Edda – so wrecking up the place seems short-sighted. Yes, we get the message: we humans are in a similar position ruining our environment with no Planet B etc, but practically speaking surely creatures that live and live and live in only in one small town surely would keep that place pollution free?
- Therapist Sindre is the real villain in this episode. His dismissive ineptitude is way worse than anything the Jutuls do (sort of). The way he rolls over and spills everything to Ran, telling her that Magne suspects Vidar of breaking into his house, is particularly egregious. So slimy.
Ragnarok S1, Episode 2 Recap: 541 Metres/ 541 Meter | Sexy Dance Party
In this episode: The cops rule Isolde’s death an accident – the Jutuls get real weird on the dance floor – Erik is back at work way too soon..
Magne is devastated after Isolde’s tragic death. Laurits isn’t really bothered, like at all, and doesn’t even offer an apology. At school, Isolde’s dad Erik, in a definitely realistic move, turns up to work the morning after his only child’s death and insists that the school dance that night go ahead.
He says it’s what Isolde would’ve wanted but as she was the designated unpopular contrarian, I don’t think it was. Then again she was a carnivorous environmental activist so who knows what contradictory thing she would’ve wanted?
The new town police chief shows up and tells the students that Isolde’s death was an accident, but Magne knows better. The official explanation that she was zapped by thunder causing her to fly into the power lines is ridiculous and he tells the chief so. Still, she doesn’t care and brushes off his suspicions for plot reasons.
We learn that the hammer thrown by Magne at the end of episode one travelled 1.5km and smashed through the windscreen of Vidar’s Volvo. Vidar asks Turid to sort out fixing it even though in the first episode she said she was working in the accounting department, not as a PA.
Magne conducts his own super scientific testing: tossing a sledgehammer and counting footsteps to gauge the distance. He flings one 541m without really trying. Later he tells Gry during a study session but of course, she thinks he’s a grieving bullshit artist. When he tells Laurits, the response is much the same except Laur points out that he still can’t read.
Later on, Vidar confesses to Ran that he killed Isolde because she poked around the incriminating glacier tunnel. She assures him that he’s gotten away with it since the police force is mainly that one cop and she’s not interesting in investigating. Except for one thing: Isolde’s phone is still missing and presumably contains lots of incriminating glacier gossip.
So, the school dance goes ahead even though Isolde just died. I’m talking the night before. Laurits shows up wearing his mother’s fringe shirt, and ends up looking like an Anne Rice vampire. He has the incredible confidence of a vamp to boot as he brazenly hits on most popular boy in school, Fjor. Fjor, so used to being hit on by everyone accepts it graciously and even flirts back a bit.
For a race of immortal creatures used to blending in for thousands of years, the Jutuls don’t keep it low-key one bit. During the dance Ran hooks up with two students (at once – the chutzpah of this family of jotunns!) in her office with the door open while the school dance is happening down stairs.
Meanwhile, Fjor cues a song from the Ancient Times (how it was modernised, remixed and uploaded to the cloud, I do not know. Logistics are not Ragnarok’s strong point).
He and Saxa, hypnotised by the music, hit the floor and start to do a very weird and very inappropriately sexy dance together (there’s boob touching for goodness sake!) Laurits is similarly swayed by the music and joins in on the sibling gropefest as the student body looks on baffled.
It’s hard to describe the dancing but it starts off as that jerky sort of dancing that looks like how a reanimated corpse might dance, and then morphs into this synchronised music vid choreo straight from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.
It happens at the thirty minute mark of the episode and it’s pretty bizarre. Not least of all is the fact that the Jutul’s eyes turn that evil tawny colour while they’re doing this lurch dancing. It’s meant to be sexy, maybe, but there’s too much weird neck-cracking to make it anything other than hilarious.
Post performance, an angry Gry accuses Fjor of being on drugs (an understandable response to that bonkers dance) causing him to flounces off with Laurits and the annoying boob-loving fella (whose mother is the police chief). As they drive around Fjor goes on a rant about the hypocrisy surrounding Isolde’s postmortem popularity.
He ends up urinating on Isolde’s memorial and of course it is captured on Instagram and goes viral.
Elsewhere, Magne confronts Isolde’s dad, Erik, about the changing explanations offered by the police for the accident. Erik reminds Magne him that it’s the night before Isolde’s funeral and this is a kind of bad time for fake news moosecrap.
Also, Erik is in the process of boxing up her stuff, which is kind of soon if there hasn’t even been a funeral yet, no? I mean, she just died yesterday!
After Magne pushes Erik’s car a a few meters in anger the pair hug and Magne cries some huge sad tears. This was an unexpectedly affecting moment. Good acting from David Stakston, who has been thus far mostly expressionless. At one Magne point helps Erik pack Isolde’s stuff, and decides to throw out her diary so that she can keep her embarrassing secrets in death. Very sweet.
Over at Jutulheim, Vidar takes off his shirt and beats 7 shades of sassafras out of Fjor for his negative publicity-attracting piss. Gry who is sleeping upstairs with Saxa, secretly witnesses the whole thing after sneaking out for a wee. Urine is a crucial plot point here.
The next day, everyone attends Isolde’s funeral. Gry looks at Fjor but doesn’t seem to notice that his face isn’t mincemeat after last night’s beating.
The Seiers get home to find their front door open and their house ransacked.
And that dramatic moment ends the episode. This is the episode that grabbed me, particularly the magnificently bonkers dance scene (featuring student schtuper Principal Ran) which piqued my interest.
Observations:
- Jonas Strand Gravli (Laurits) really can’t pass as a teen, but his character is so fun I’m willing to overlook it, even though it’s very obvious he is 30 years old.
- Far be it from me to tell anyone how to grieve, but Erik! Do more grieving, man.
- The sexy back and forth between Laurits and Fjor was unexpected, although totally on brand for both characters.
- Was Isolde supposed to be a Baldur stand-in?
Ragnarok is Terrible, Go Watch It Immediately
Netflix’s Ragnarok is a unique viewing experience in that it’s terrible while being simultaneously very watchable.
It’s weirdly paced, beautifully shot and stuffed with implausible dialogue and bad CGI. In essence, it’s excellent binge fodder and damn, if Norwegian isn’t a nice language to listen to too.
The show came in for considerable criticism in its native Norway for being “too Danish” (the producers are Danish) and for not using the appropriate Norwegian dialect, but as a non-Dane, non-Norwegian I was able to enjoy it to my heart’s content, while still noticing how terrible it is.
The second season was released back in May so there’s gonna be a bit of a wait for season 3 (if, please the gods, it even happens!) but there’s still two seasons to binge, so strap on your Nordic nosebag and moose out.
But, let’s back up for a moment. Ragnarok, season 1 of which debuted in 2020, is Netflix’s YA retelling of the Norse myths that you might be very familiar with already from Marvel’s take on the subject. But did any of the Marvel movies see Loki ‘give birth’ to an enormous tape-worm which he then kept in a tank in his room? No? Well, you can see why Ragnarok may have an edge (though the aforementioned birthing doesn’t happen until late in season 2).
So, enough chat. Let’s take a look at Ragnarok, episode 1.
Episode 1: Ny Gutt/ New Boy
The episode sees our hero, Magne move back to his hometown Edda (yes, really) with his mother Turid and bitchy brother Loki Laurits. Within the first 3 minutes Magne helps an elderly one-eyed man stuck on a motor scooter, therby impressing a spooky woman who runs out of a newby hairdressers to commend him.
She calls him a “nice boy” and brushes a lank lock off his forehead, and his eyes suddenly cloud with THUNDER. Guess who he’s gonna be? Nope, not Jeffery Dahmer. Thor!
In quick succession there are two ridiculous signs that something is different. First he pulls the car window crank off with his mighty Thor strength. And then he says “it’s going to rain” and a few seconds after mama says ‘no way look how sunny it is’, it starts raining. One or the other would be enough but two such ‘hey look now I’m Thor’ hints in two seconds is over-egging the pudding.
The boys join the local high school and we learn that they’re in the same class because Laurits has been skipped ahead a few grades and Magne “has other talents” (and also dyslexia).
His first class is about the Norse gods just in case you like being bashed over the head with the central premise of the show. As if the town name and the lightning eyes and the one-eyed O(din)ld man and all that isn’t enough. Now you’ve a class establishing that yes, folks, this is about that. We hear Edda is the place where Ragnarok is said to have happened.
He is immediately pegged as the unpopular new boy (ny gutt in Norwegian) but forms a friendship with the class outcast Isolde. Isolde is an environmental activist sort of like a paragliding Greta Thunberg.
At lunch, the scion of the local business empire Fjor and Isolde have what I guess is supposed to be a knowing back-and-forth but it’s preposterous dialogue that no teen would say. It’s too mild to be bullying, too pointed to be gentle banter. I’ll chalk it up to getting lost in translation.
We learn that Fjor and his sister Saxa are the anointed ‘populars’ whose father Vidar Jutul is the boss of Jutul Industries (“Norway’s fifth largest company”) and whose mother, Ran, is the school principal. They also have a scary hellhound called Trym.
If your obvious and un-subtle references detector has exploded at this point, well sorry but the show is laden with ‘em. When Magne visits Isolde’s house for a playdate her father is playing some Wagner.
Soon Magne realises that all is not right in the town of Edda. Isolde tells him that the local Jutul factory (or refinery, or whatever smoke-belching industry it is) is polluting the town’s drinking water and beautiful fjords. But because the Jutuls own the town and employ all the townsfolk pretty much, no-one wants to stand up to them.
You know what this situation calls for? A plucky teen. This is where Isolde Thunburg slots into the plot. She has been marking the receding of the glaciers and is determined to make people realise that despite their sexiness, the Jutuls are destroying Edda. This doesn’t stop Isolde from fancying Saxa Jutul because, hey, she’s only human.
One of the nicest aspects of the first episode is Magne’s delight at finding a friend. The friend is a girl but as she’s gay and very much into Saxa there’s no possibility of a romance so the friendship is just a nice friendship between two kindred outsiders.
Isolde takes Magne up to the mountain to observe the melting glaciers, only to find the Jutuls have cordoned off the area. Faen det, says Magne and they go ahead anyway, until he gets a text (read out by his phone) from his brother telling him to get home, their mother needs help asap.
Magne leaves Isolde and sprints all the way down the mountain only to discover that it was one of Laurits ‘jokes’. Hilar, Lar. Meanwhile, up on the mountain, Isolde discovers a mysterious cave hidden in the receding ice while elsewhere, Vidal Jutul pulls up in his Volvo, pulls off his suit and hunts down a deer, naked. With his bare hands he rips its heart out, pads off to a scenic spot and eats it as his eyes turn tawny so you know he’s a baddie.
Just as Magne starts back to Isolde, he sees her paragliding down from the mountain – straight into a power line. Vidar appears on the scene suspiciously early and gives her CPR but it’s too late. A bit shocking.
Back at home, as dramatic rain pours down, an angry Magne picks up his grandfather’s hammer (which has a rune carved into the handle) and flings it up into the mountains as thunder crashes around him and tears pour down his twisted face. It’s a silly, generic scene that has been done a billion times.
And that’s the entirety of episode 1!
Some final thoughts on the episode:
- Although Laurits is a bit wrinkled to be playing a 17 year-old, he’s one of the show’s standouts.
- Killing Isolde off so early was a surprise, especially in such a dramatic way – paragliding into a powerline!
- Magne looks so much like a lantern-jawed Jeff Dahmer it’s unnerving, especially in concert with his mostly expressionless face.
Ragnarok Season 1-2 is on Netflix
Justice for Married At First Sight AU Season 7
E4 annoyed and confused MAFS aficionados by deciding not to air Season 7 of the enormous Aussie ratings hit. Why?
Why is it that MAFSAU is such a hit? Of all the show’s international iterations this one is a standout, both in terms of popularity and ratings success.
One reason, I think, is because Australians, like Irish people, are by-and-large fun-loving, unpretentious folks. This, combined with a tendency towards brutal honesty, is the reason that they make for excellent tv participants. (C’mon, Australia’s been churning out stone cold classic TV since Prisoner Cell Block H). Toss in amoral producers who engineer conflict, intra- and extra-marital hook-ups, and endless drama and you’ve got the makings of trash tv gold.
The break-out series was of course, MAFSAU Season 6 which aired last year in the UK to massive ratings. This season was so popular because it had everything mentioned above – fights! Not one, but two cheating scandals! Body-shaming! It even contained some couples that actually seemed like they’d found love (two of those couples are still together, and one have a baby!)
The show was such a ratings success that it was quickly snatched up by E4 to be aired in the UK. And guess what happened? The show was so explosive that the couples quickly found themselves bombarded with online hatred.
It was so bad the some of the participants are in the process of suing Endemol (the production company also responsible for Big Brother UK, RIP) after they were subjected to online trolling from UK viewers. Every time their season airs in a new territory the participants are bombarded with online hate. So far the show has aired in Australia, the U.K and the U.S.
One of the show’s stalwart experts Dr Trish Stafford – who was involved since season 1 – even quit the show after season 7, citing the selection by producers of “fragile “participants over expert objections.
“By the end, I couldn’t compromise my professional and personal standards because there were participants on the show who I felt shouldn’t have been there,” she told an Australian publication “If someone gets through the critical selection process, when we say we don’t want them on the show because they’re quite fragile, they’re not going to do well after the show.”
So there you have it: the producers will willingly abandon their duty of care to participants if it will make a dramatic season. It makes the shows more entertaining, at the cost of perhaps damaging the participants.
But it’s a zero sum game. As the drama increases, so does the damage but also the ratings. This is why Season 6 for such a hit, it was nonstop drama! And now all its supposed villains are tormented online – doxed, threatened, having their kids called ugly etc – to this day.
As time goes on it becomes harder to enjoy shows like this, knowing the cost. And frankly, it’s unsustainable so enjoy this high-impact “reality” television while you can because like trans-fats and gladiators in the coliseum, its days are numbered.
So, it is against THIS backdrop that Married at First Sight AU Season 7 aired, and in spite of this it’s still unfortunate E4 have decided not to show it. Never fear though, viewerfriends! I watched every episode of that nonsense obsessively using a means that I will not describe here (rhymes with ee-pee-en) and so I can regurgitate the good bits for you, like a trash tv-eating mama bird.
That’s quite enough preamble. Without further ado, I’m going to give a quick run down of the couples and their ultimate fates, before recounting Season 7’s most entertaining moments #justice4s7
Amanda & Tash
My hopes were so high for Australia’s first same-sex pairing after the introduction of marriage equality in 2017. They seemed superficially suited: both beautiful and fit, but their relationship went tits up pretty quick and after the show aired there were rumours that Tash had been in a secret relationship all along.
I was devastated for Amanda who was the type of Australian who said things like “grouse”, “give it a red hot crack” and “I can’t be with a fucking vegan”.
Mikey & Natasha
Again, a seemingly suited pair who broke up in dramatic circumstances after Natasha joked to mean couple Michael and Stacey about how Mikey only last 10 seconds in bed. This news was gleefully reported back to Mikey by a faux-concerned Michael. Mikey got his own back later (see: Cheat-a-Palooza.)
Hayley & David
Energetic Hayley and Aussie bloke David got on at first but things quickly deteriorated when Hayley’s smoking and general extra-ness became too much. Then came ‘Toothbrush gate’ (See below).
Steve & Mishel
Steve was a miserable, red-flag disguised as an older man (like an older Franky from MAFSUK) paired with the very sweet Mishel. His obnoxious ways – and her discovery that he had asked to be paired with someone in their thirties! – led to the dissolution of the relationship during the final vows.
Stacey & Michael
Michael was a shit-stirring Loki who formed a rock-solid alliance with his wife which made them a terrifying, shark-like presence at every dinner party. They were mean but enjoyable, and made the pair’s ultimate comeuppance so much more satisfying (see ‘Reunion Dinner Party’).
Ivan & Aleks
A bit mysterious. Arrogant real estate agent Ivan and no-nonsense real estate agent Alecs seemed strong for the majority of the experiment until Michael, that stirrer, lobbed a hand grenade into their relationship by accusing Aleks about lying about sleeping with Ivan and of having an affair.
Poppy & Luke
Alas, an instant no-sparker. Cuddly bear Luke tried his best but soon Poppy used missing her kids as an excuse to leave. A bit of a non-presence couple, to be honest.
Connie & Jonethon
A couple who were adorably mismatched – she a bookish microbiology student, he a simple FIFO worker. They were good at first but it started to turn into more of a hostage situation than a relationship when he kept voting to ‘leave’ and she kept writing ‘stay’.
Josh & Kathy
Such an adorable, fresh-faced Aussie pair who should’ve gone the distance but couldn’t overcome his mother issues and her apparent habit of disappearing for days at a time.
KC & Drew
I could barely remember this couple as they were one of the interlopers (couples brought in later in the season after the herd has thinned). I think she came out afterwards and said he was just in it for fame. KC ended up hooking up with Michael, post-experiment. Literally all the drama, even post-season, revolved around the fulcrum of Michael.
Vanessa & Chris
Another kind of forgettable couple, mainly because Chris had no charisma and Vanessa spontaneous left mid-season, later claiming he was abusive.
And so, on to the Best Moments of Married At First Sight Australia Season 7:
Liz gets a Lad
Viewers of season 6 will remember Elizabeth Sobinoff, a quirky and likeable woman paired with utter scoundrel Sam. Sam went on to have an ‘affair’ with Reality TV villain of the Year Ines (this was of course entirely contrived by producers according to Sam, who has spoken out against the show since its airing). Sam also basically called Liz fat on the their wedding day and spoke about her cruelly in his confessionals.
Poor open-hearted Liz was lumbered with such a cad that the producers decided to give her another shot in season 7. This time she was paired with an enormous gentle giant called Seb and they became an actual couple afterwards (though they’ve been on and off since then). Still, the public got to see Liz find a prince charming finally and that was all that mattered.
Cheat-a-Palooza
What a cracker this one was. Some background info is necessary to fully appreciate it. By episode 16 of the season (roughly the midway point) one couple had consistently positioned themselves as a “power couple”. This was the pairing of real-estate mogul Micheal and lawyer-to-be Stacey. Micheal, a wealthy, archetypical Aussie ‘larrikin’ with confidence to spare was paired with icy beauty, Stacey a law student with 2 kids. For a while they became insufferably mean and just itching to be taken down a peg or two.
Before the mid-point dinner party it was revealed that Hayley and Micheal had smooched and maybe more while Stacey was out of town visiting her children. (One of the reasons this season is so poorly regarded is the fact that so much of the juiciest stuff happened off-camera.) This pairing was surprising because Michael made many disparaging comments about Hayley appearance during the season.
During the dinner party, Michael denied the claims, saying he couldn’t remember the alleged hook-up, though it was clear he was lying to save both his and Stacey faces. Stacy even backed Michael up, refusing to believe her playboy husband was a playboy. One person who believed Hayley though was her hubby David. Which led to…
..Toothbrush-gate
Among the infidelities on MAFSAU, few have had more disgusting consequences then when truck driver David chose to retaliate against wife Hayley’s aforementioned infidelity by cleaning a toilet with her toothbrush, recording the event and sending it to the some of the other couples. Luckily, Hayley found out in time and wrapped up the toothbrush, later firing at David during the dinner party.
This was not the end of the matter. At the following day’s commitment ceremony the experts rightly took David to task for his gross prank. He apologised and told the experts that naturally, he’d be opting to leave the experiment. OH NO YOU’RE NOT, said Hayley.
She told the experts that this week she’d written ‘Stay’ to teach David a lesson, forcing him to be away from his loved ones for another week. This attempted hostage situation was a step too far for the experts who told Hayley that they were shutting this toxic mess down for good. I told you she was quite the character.
Reunion Dinner Party
The cherry on top of this cheat pie was when it was revealed during the reunion that Stacy – who very much positioned herself as the victim of an evil witch-hunt intent on ruining her relationship – had herself slept with one of the other husbands (so much off-camera infidelity this season).
Stacey and Michael came to the reunion as a supposedly solid couple only to have their happiness detonated by a heat-seeking truth bomb. The scandal was stirred by Natasha who was bitter after finding out that former hubby Mikey had a one-night stand with Stacy mid-experiment. She stood and offered a toast to “Stacy and Michael for having the fakest relationship in Australian reality tv history and to Stacy for fucking my husband on our 1 month anniversary.” Oh, snap!
Natasha was backed up by Mikey who confirmed they had slept together and offered some text messages between the pair as proof. Stacy furiously denied everything but as the evidence mounted during the dinner party, her position became untenable.
There were even witnesses who saw Stacey returning some of Mikey’s clothes after their supposed assignation. This Reunion became a courtroom drama, if the starring witness was Ja’ime King. In spite of Stacy’s strident denials, the relationship (whether actual or business) didn’t survive.
Even so, everyone involved was happy to keep the garbage fire burning months after the show ended with endless denials and even at one point Mikey taking a polygraph test. The participants thoroughly milked this (Michael even moved in with one of the more forgettable wives from S7, KC Osbourne).
Hayley’s Highlights
It is a tragedy that viewers in the UK won’t get the chance to meet one of the standout characters of the Season 7: Hayley. Hayley was a finance person/recovering drug user who swapped drugs for extreme workouts.
She reminded me of an obscure comedy character called Jacqueline McCafferty (created and played by Brian ‘Limmy’ Limond) whose catchphrase references her past drug problems. Hayley was very much in this mould of a person who has beaten an addiction but still mentions it frequently.
“I’m 1000 different women wrapped into one. I’m laid back, I’m Shazza from the ‘burbs in me moccasins and me flannelette singlet but when I look good, I look good, yeah?” She was a fair dinkum Aussie wildcard – there was a real sense that she might say or do anything at any moment. And, at many points, she did.
On her honeymoon she made disparaging comments about her husband’s ($25 per-hour!) earnings saying that, after her time as a drug addict she didn’t want to have to live paycheque to paycheque. She kissed one of the other husbands off-camera. She cried so much at times it looked as though she might rupture a vein. She took it upon herself to give relationship advice to everyone, earning her the nickname Dr Hayley from the experts.
When the cheating ‘scandal’ broke, Hayley was more or less disbelieved by the group who by that point in the experiment were used to her dramatic ways. She was later vindicated and damn if it didn’t feel good. She was a one-woman whirlwind of garbled expressions and epic self-confidence and it’s a shame the UK won’t get to meet her. Although, given their fondness for cyberbullying the participants of this show, it’s probably for the best.
Final Thoughts:
Coming as it did after a popular season filled with loveable characters and preposterously evil villains, Season 7 was always going to suffer by comparison. Season 8 is better, but still, it’s no Season 6. Every subsequent season has been an attempt to recapture that magical mix of earnest love seekers and cynical and devious fame-seekers.
Season 7 suffered because it was clear from the start that most of the participants were more interested in parlaying this performance into a cushy career as an ‘influencer’ than finding love. The balance was tipped too far in favour of cynical
And there were some questionable pairings, like Marine Biologist Connie and Complete Airhead Jonethon. This couple were a disaster with Connie voting to stay each week while Jonnie, who was kind but not romantically into Connie one bit, voted consistently to leave. This generated criticism of this hostage-taking aspect of the show. And the experts endorse it, hoping that this hostage situation will result in Stockholm syndrome. Or as the show likes to call it: love.
Whatever it was, not a single couple matched by the experts (or even the ones who matched among themselves off the clock) remain together a year on. Not a single one could stick it out, even for publicity purposes! Very telling indeed.
So, do these highlights make you want to watch the series for yourself? Should E4 show it anyway, even if the most interesting burning happened off-camera? Would you even watch it?
Married At First Sight UK: Season 6 Reunion | Reunited And It Feels So Good
Hello and welcome viewerfriends. Today I’ll be trying to unpack the filled-to-bursting suitcase that was Married at First Sight UK, the reunion.
Judging by some of the comments made during the show, this reunion seems to have been filmed after the show wrapped, but before it aired.
What would really be worth watching would be a reunion filmed after the show has aired (the Australian’s know this well – MAFSAU piles on the reunions, sometimes mixing and matching seasons to max out the drama gauge).
Something weird about this little get together is that it starts off like a pre-dinner party, with everyone having a few glasses of wine first before they meet with the experts. Wine before meeting the experts?
That’s new. I suppose now that the couples are off the clock they can slurp as much sauvignon as they like beforehand.
Bob and Megan are the first pair in. Although it’s clear they’re still not a couple they seem relaxed together and share a laugh about how they’ll never attempt a relationship ever again. Meg looks the same but Bob’s hair is shaggier and his shirt is unbuttoned to his naval, showing an equally shaggy chest carpet.
Amy makes an appearance, walking into the the room ALONE. “Oh snap! She’s by herself though!” Exclaims a shocked Paul. Amy looks amazing. She’s had some highlights and is wearing a glamourous sparkly, golden gown.
Adam and Tayah come in and promptly ask Amy where Josh is. She tells them the couple are no longer together. Expert Paul can not believe this. “There was just a lack of effort..I know what I bring to the table – I brought the table.” Amy is full of such pithy phrases. Tenner bet she has some sort of new-age self-help manual out by Xmas.
Next a clean shaven Ant walks in (he looks about 14 without his facial fuzz). He is followed by Morag. Alone. “I know, big shock!” she jokes, walking in. Expert Paul is distraught. “Oh my goodness, man,” he says balling his fists up to his eyes. “So Morag and Luke are not together?”
Morag spills the beans. “The long and short of it was: the moment I left the experiment until now Luke has never phoned me once.” There is widespread skepticism among the group. “I can’t believe that,” says a savvy Amy. “Luke always came across as the one making all the effort,” she says. Morag tells her that, that is not the case at all.
Expert Mel is not happy that Luke has “ghosted” Morag. Expert Paul reminds her that this is her side of the story. Indeed.
Alexis comes in looking like a glam Bianca Belair. Megan wonders if either Ant or Alexis are worried to see Nikita tonight. Alexis says if Nikita tries to start something, she’ll be fighting with herself cos Alexis is not here for that, honey.
Morag asks if Meg or Bob are worried about seeing Jordon. Meg says she’s not interested in speaking to him at all. Bob says his parents called Jordon a “prick”.
The lovers Dan and Matt are next in talking about still being “blessed” etc. Matt’s hair looks shaggier too. This is like the Harry Potter film where all the boys suddenly have mullets. Harry Potter and the Hairdresser’s Guild Strike.
When Nikita walks in the room jumps. She greets everyone but Ant. When he asks why she says “you blocked us on Instagram for no reason!” Morag takes her aside to calm her down. “I feel like I’m a volcano that’s about to erode,” she says. Yeah, you’re about to “erode” your freedom if you start flipping tables over here ‘Kita.
Nikita tells Morag that there are questions that need answering. She says she heard “through the grapevine” that Ant came back to the experiment with Alexis and such a heinous violation of “girl code” cannot stand.
Next in the door is a kind of tanned-looking Luke. Morag queues for her greeting hug, and it’s a no-eye contact, half-hearted effort lasting a second. The experts gasp at the coldness.
Ant and Luke are crammed next to each other on a packed sofa, and Ant – who’ll you might remember went off on Morag at a dinner party for being disingenuous in her feelings for Luke – asks Luke if he’s looking forward to getting in front of the experts again.
Luke says he is, adding “I’m asking some fucking questions.” Oh, indeed. Ant squeezes his shoulders in a comical gesture of excited congratulations.
“Just’ don’t lie,” says Luke. “If you weren’t into it, say you weren’t into it. Don’t lie.”
Marilyse and a much longer haired Franky come in all in black. They’re followed by Jordon. There are some awkward hugs and Meg pulls a big face. Josh comes in and gives Amy a half hug which she tries to awkwardly convert to a full body hug.
Once we get into the room with the experts the wine glasses are gone and we’re shown a clip of all the “first sights” of the show. It’s very artful with sweeping shots and a sumptuous string laden score. Adam cries watching the moment that he saw his beloved for the first time. It’s genuinely beautiful. This is what a man in love looks like.
Mel calls Amy and Josh up to the couch first and thank goodness, because I want to know what the hell happened here.
Josh says that things were fine after vow renewals, but then the couple didn’t see each other for a month. “It wasn’t a month, babe. It was ten days,” shoots Amy. She says she went back to Cornwall to see her dog and take care of some business. “And then I don’t know. Something happened and it was just…that was it.”
“Ten days isn’t a lot. And I’m sorry but if you can lose your feelings after ten days, were they ever even fucking real?” Josh snorts at this and tells the experts that it looks like Amy is looking for an argument.
Josh’s explanation of is confusing. “From my side it was the consistency from Amy where she was putting me on the back foot.” The camera pans over to Nikita who asks Morag what this means. “Like basically she didn’t try, she didn’t care,” says Morag.
WRONG. To be on the ‘back foot’ means to be at a disadvantage. To put something on the ‘back burner’ means to put something off.
One of the things that has amused and annoyed me in equal measure this season are the many malapropism employed by participants. This season of MAFS has been harder on the English language than Adam’s abs and for the most part it’s been funny. However, in cases such as this one it makes it difficult to decipher what’s going on and that’s annoying.
“You were constantly putting me in doubt,” clarifies Josh, showing that at least he knows the correct usage of this phrase. “I’m not putting up with it.”
What was the moment you realised it was over? “It was a build up of things,” says Josh. Yeah, but what was the straw that collapsed the spine of your relationship? “I can’t remember,” stonewalls Josh.
“Well it couldn’t have been that significant could it, if you can’t fucking remember it,” spits Amy venomously.
Eventually, it’s clear that it was Amy’s mood swings that settled it for Josh. “There’s plenty of scenarios where you’ve just flipped for no reason. I tolerate a lot of things and there comes a point where you know your worth and it’s like ‘I don’t need to be putting up with this’.”
Mel reminds Amy that she said she was in love with Josh at the mixer. Josh says that she never mentioned being in love. Amy tells him she didn’t tell him because she didn’t want to scare him off. “To be honest I still have a lot of feelings for you,” she says.
How does that land for you, Josh, enquires Mel. “I have a heart obviously but a time comes when enough is enough, and if you’re not compatible with someone you’re not compatible.”
Mel asks for Amy’s response. She says she’s shocked hearing all this. She says a lot of people warned her about how things would be with Josh but she couldn’t see it for herself. “As soon as we checked out of the apartment, he checked out of the relationship.” Again, it’s a nice line but I have a nagging suspicion that I’ve heard this already on MAFSAU.
Amy breaks down, asking when is it ever gonna be Amy’s time for love, eh?
When Mel points about Amy is crying, Josh quick as a flash says “she wouldn’t be comfortable with me touching her right now”. Amy says she’d actually love a hug and so Josh puts his arm around her, but keeps his body angled away. Amy tries to engage him fully but he resists. So awkward.
The couple are dismissed by the experts and Josh leaps up off the couch like a scaled bear. Amy lingers for a bit, obviously aware that once she leaves the couch there will be no more expert interventions for her and Josh. It’s over. O-V-A-H.
However, much like First Dates, the show basically serves a dual function, advertising your single status and imbuing you a bit of celebrity to help you find a better match in the outside world. I have no doubt that Amy will end up with a string of Josh lookalikes, each more emotionally unavailable than the last. Best of luck to her.
Dan and Matt are up next. They’re all smiles and wrapped around each other like a pair octopus with attachment issues. Expert Paul asks Daniel if Matt’s ma has warmed to him yet. Dan says he baked her some scones and that has softened her considerably.
No middle aged English woman who can tolerate gluten can resist a scone. They experts bask in the warm glow of their love for a brief moment before dismissing them.
Next up to the couch are Ant and Nik. Mel starts by saying things looked promising at the wedding but the honeymoon was something else. “Oh, it’s not that deep,” says Nikita dismissively. Mel asks how it was for Ant. “It wasn’t fun,” he admits.
Nikita objects, and he says “There are no key points where I though this is a good time.” Amy lets out a Mrs Krabappel-ish “Ha!” upon hearing this.
Ant says that the wedding day was fine, but it was clear that the couple weren’t a match from the start. “But there was someone else who caught your eye,” says Mel. Nikita starts messing with her shoe and for a second I though she was gonna use it to go for Alexis. The clip of the couple flirting at the dinner party is played and Nikita says “she’s a fucking snake, like.”
“Oh right, I was a snake for someone who wasn’t my friend,” says Alexis from the audience. “I was your mate, man!” Says Nikita, while Ant sits back thoroughly enjoying this drama. “You was[sic] not my friend,” Alexis says, twice.
“How can you say that? I want to know how I wasn’t your friend,” says a hurt Nikita. She tells the judges Ant never mentioned anything about a “connection” and when Nikita asked him if he thought Alexis was “fit” he said “no”. All that really proves is that he didn’t fancy getting a wallop off Nikita.
Jordon decides now would be a good time to speak up. He says that from his point of view, there was no connection between him and Alexis so why shouldn’t she feel free to pursue someone else. Well, you would say that Jordon, wouldn’t you.
Nikita points out that she stuck up for Alexis at the dinner party because she thought they were friends. “I’ll be really honest with you, I didn’t think we had a friendship,” says Alexis.
“If there’s one thing Alexis could say to make things fine, what would it be?” Expert Paul asks. “Well, she’s not gonna apologise,” says Nikita before Alexis interrupts says “that’s how I know you don’t even know me because the first thing I said is that I’d like to leave here as adults, resolved.”
Alexis goes on to say that she owes Nikita an apology for making her feel bad. “I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or I made you feel like I broke girl code, or I betrayed you. I’m sorry.”
Nikita accepts her apology and Alexis makes a joke about how no-one wants Ant now anyways. They hug and it’s a sweet moment. Nikita is a bit bonkers but she seems hurt over the matter to have it resolved in a classy way was nice. Hashtag girl code forever.
Megan and Bob are next on to the couch. It’s boring – they’re friends, nothing more. “What were some of the negative things [during the experiment]?” asks Expert Charlene. “Well, one of them’s there,” says Bob pointing at Jordon. “It was only a joke,” Bob says to an unsmiling Jordon (to be fair, has he ever smiled?). “But it’s not,” says Mel.
“It’s water under the bridge,” says Bob. “Ultimately everyone involved learned a lot from the situation,” says Meg like a government spin doctor. Surely the only things learned were: if you cheat keep it to yourself, unless you want to have to talk about it non-stop for 4 weeks.
“You’ve apologised,” Expert Paul says to Meg before turning to face Jordon. “I’m curious. Jordon, do you have anything to say. Jordon, in his low rumbly Treebeard voice says he already apologised to Bob. “But as the man that I am I will apologise to you again,” he says not actually apologising.
Paul asks if he’s said sorry to Meg and Jordon gets a bit sassy with Paul. “I didn’t say sorry to Megan. I think you can recall that but if you don’t, I’ll remind you: I’m saying sorry to Rob,” he says.
Paul points out that he should also be sorry for the fact that Megan was the one left to bear the brunt of the fallout of Kissgate. Jordon offers a non apology. You can tell it’s a non-apology because it starts with the words “I’m sorry if you felt..”
We move on and Mel commends Meg for bouncing back from being a loose-lipped lady lothario and becoming a woman of integrity. She also says that Meg and Bob are role models for the whole group on how to deal with challenging situations but I think she’s getting a bit carried away here.
Bob dealt with every situation with tearfulness and Meg was going to stay in the experiment just to have an affair so, you know.
Finally, it’s Luke and Morag’s turn on the couch and not a moment too soon because I need to know what happened here. They sit far apart. “Luke can start,” Morag says. “Nah, I’m gonna go second,” he says confidently. Luke looks kind of angry.
A clip of the final vows are played and we see them all happy, ready to head off into the sunset together hand-in-hand. “Now you see why we’re confused,” says Expert Paul ”because Morag you looked sincere there.”
Morag speaks for a while about how the couple were in a good place etc. “The position we was[sic] in, I felt like I owed it to us to give it a go. However from the moment we left the experiment, Luke hasn’t phoned me once.” There are surprised faces all round.
“And every day I don’t hear from him, I get angrier and angrier,” she continues.
Expert Charlene asks for Luke’s side. He says the got to the end of the experiment and still felt as though Morag wasn’t giving “100%”. “I said, ‘I’m not going to put any pressure on you whatsoever’ and we agreed that I would give her her space,” says Luke.
He says he didn’t call Morag but messaged her every morning and night and in-between too. Then he drops the bombshell. “We spoke on one day and you turned round and categorically told me that you’d never seen us in a relationship.” He turns to the experts. “It was like, what have I been fighting for?”
“I was like ‘what did the final commitment ceremony mean to you?’ and she said ‘it was a tv show.’”
“What am I supposed to take from that?” Luke asks. “You did say you’d never seen us in a relationship.”
Expert Paul tells the couple to look at each other and asks them if they truly do want out of the relationship. “I think I was played the whole time,” says Luke, dismissing Morag’s protestations with a wave of his hand.
Amy, who has always felt deeply involved in the couple’s relationship, attempts to interrupt the action but Alexis tells her to pipe down, because it’s Luke’s turn to speak.
Morag insists Luke back up his last comment with some facts. “I wasn’t the guy you wanted and it was just a game for you the whole time.” Morag disputes this but he just says “it’s a lie.”
Amy can hold her peace no longer, and she tells Luke that ‘Moo’ has been genuinely vulnerable. He doesn’t care. “I don’t even know who you are anymore” shouts Morag. “Whatever.” Is Luke’s response. Paul asks Luke how he feels about Morag’s mates saying that she really did care for him? “I never felt it. I never did,” he says.
“If you never felt it, why did you stand up and say you loved me?” Morag asks misunderstanding Luke’s comment, thinking he was referring to himself when it obviously meant that he “never felt” any emotion from her.
“I know this is not what nobody[sic] wants to hear but that’s how I feel,” Luke tells the others.
Luke says that he said it because he was trying and he felt he was getting there. “You were trying? So did you love me or not,” asks Morag. “No.” Is Luke’s immediate response. Oh come on! Reeling back a profession of love once the relationship goes belly-up is an old trick and not one becoming a gentleman.
“So then you’re fake!” Says Morag. “I’m not fake,” Luke says in a low voice. “So why did you stand up and say you loved me?” Luke loses his composure. “Because I had feelings for you and they were growing and at the time I felt I did, and that’s the truth!”
The other couples are enjoying this. Mostly the girls and Franky, who has never been a Morag fan since he tagged her as the “bitching bitch” who authored the controversial couples letter.
Mel asks what the couple have learned from this experience. “I can’t change, I am who I am. I’m over it, but I feel used,” says Luke.
“I was very guarded before,” says Morag. “I didn’t want marriage, I didn’t want anything like that.” Upon hearing this Luke throws up his hands and looks at the assembled couples. “But it has opened me up to wanting someone that is right for me.” You should’ve been open before you got here you big time-waster.
Outside, Luke tells the camera that he got “closure” and that’s the end of it. Morag says she hasn’t gotten closure. “That man on the sofa tonight was not the man I married.”
Next on the couch are Marilyse and Franky. Franky Flags tells the experts that now lives in the same village as Mar and although it has been an ego check, being the new guy in town and having to start from scratch, “the nice feeling of meeting someone amazing pushes all that ego to one side.” Aw.
Mar is equally happy. She says that Franky has been stoic and not complained once and that her sons love him. “They’ve said to me ‘Mum, Franky is the best guy you’ve met,” she says. This garners applause.
“A friend of mine Paul Brunson once said, actions speak louder than words,” says Franky nodding at expert Paul. “And her actions..” he thumps a fist on his chest . They share a smooch and are dismissed by the experts.
Last of course, are love’s young dream Adam and Tayah. They’re shown a clip of the final vows and his proposal.” The two of them start crying watching it and so does Expert Paul! Mel puts a reassuring hand on his arm as he fights through the tears.
“Thank you, for showing us all what love looks like. Love is the only thing that keeps us moving, and you all have shown us that.”
Round of applause, a moment to wipe away tears. “I’ve been the most extremely luckiest[sic] person ever,” Tayah says. “We both have,” adds Adam. Tayah thanks the experts, saying that if it wasn’t for the show the couple – who lived 100 miles apart – likely never would have met.
“And that is the perfect place to end this reunion,” says Expert Paul and he is totally correct. More applause and then that is that for Married at First Sight UK Season 6.
It has been quite a ride, viewerfriends. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I have.
I have toyed with the idea of recapping MAFSAU but to be honest, I binge-watched it after it aired Australia so I know what happens. MAFSAU has 35 episodes and airs 5 nights a week. That’s just too much Mafs for this mawfk!
Also, I’m protesting E4 only showing season 8 – skipping season 7 entirely and giving some bullshit explanation about wanting to show a more recent series. If they cared about the viewers, they’d air season 7 because spoiler alert: it contains far less gaslighting than season 8.
Not a single couple is still together from season 7 (for reference: 2 couples from season 6 and 2 from season 8 are still together) and this tells you everything you need to know.
You know what, viewerfriends? I’m gonna do a summary of season 7’s most memorable events (like when a disgruntled groom did unspeakable things to his wife’s toothbrush). Stay tuned.
Until then!
Married At First Sight UK: Season 6, Episode 20 Recap | The Final Vow-Down, Pt 2
Hello viewerfriends and welcome to this, the final #MAFSUK recap of Season 6. *Sniff* I’m not crying, you’re crying.
C’mere, do you think that the supposed technical difficulties of Thursday night were actually a deliberate ploy by E4 to increase their viewing figures? Everyone tuned in for the finale only to be shown 20 minutes of the previous episode and a picture of Josh tauntingly wagging his finger.
How do I know this? Well, because, I like everyone else was so eager to find out how many insults Morag snuck into her vows that I was afraid to switch off in case I missed something. And I stayed that way for the whole hour, because I have invested too much time in this show at this point NOT to see the last episode. I know many of you did too, viewerfriends because Twitter told me so.
So, E4 got the ‘finale’ level viewing figures on Thursday (even though there was no new episode) and got them presumably for Friday too. If it was deliberate (which seems even more plausible when you consider that the episode didn’t air, but some of the sponsor ads still played) then it was a cynical move.
If not, then it was the third serious technical fault they’ve had in the past fortnight. Either way, someone needs to take E4 somewhere quiet and ask if everything is okay at home.
On to the action proper. We pick up right where we left off, with Amy reading aloud vows which make it sound like she’s going to say leave, when we all know she bloody loves Josh. She finishes off by telling Josh that, just when she was ready to use a bundle of sage to burn this whole relationship down, he stepped up and started reciprocating her effort.
“We’ve had our ups and downs, but like a heart monitor if you don’t have any of those ups and downs, you’re not living,” she says. She says the their real journey is just beginning but “let’s not cut any corners: ‘cause love’s just around one of them.” Josh likes this last part and laughs.
Now it’s time for his vows. Will Amy be laughing at the end of his? There are points during the speech when Amy’s face creases in anger, and during a particularly long section where Josh basically recounts her many failings: her “unexpected outbursts” and selfish moments, she looks like she’s trying to take off her ring.
“I think there’s a potential roadblock in front of us,” he says as the background music reaches a dramatic crescendo. Of course, there’s a ‘but’. “But, despite the difficulties we’ve faced, I can truly see why we are matched. You’re an incredible woman and you’ve brought positive things out in me that I never knew existed.”
“So Amy, thank you for teaching me how long a piece of string is,” he says reaching into his pocket and pulling out a piece of string, which he delicately ties around her wrist. “We’d be crazy not to continue on the outside,” he says. Amy agrees and the pair kiss and leave the garden, hand in hand. This is the couple I was certain would be gone after a week! Shows what I know.
Back the MAFS apartment block we see Luke and Tayah packing in their respective apartments and we hear that they’ll be heading home for a week of introspection and familial advice ahead of the final vows.
Luke and Morag hug and kiss goodbye in a way that makes it clear what their answers are gonna be later on. So do Tayah and Adam.
There’s really zero dramatic tension left in either of these relationships. It’s clear that we’re supposed to be concerned that either couple might change their minds after spending some time apart but come on!
If Luke is still interested is Morag after her telling him he’s not a man, or that she needs a skinful of Chardonnay before she gets busy with him, or after getting mauled by her mates, then a week back in Ponty Clun won’t make a difference.
While he’s in Ponty, his mother tells him that she’s not convinced that Morag is the one for him and she’s worried that Morag won’t be arsed to handle a long distance thing.
Isn’t it funny that no one has mentioned the distance between Wales and Romford – which is about a 4 hour drive – as being a potential stumbling block for the couple, even though it’s obviously going to be a big one.
During Dan and Matt’s time in the experiment the long distance between their homes was mentioned constantly because it was literally the only problem they had in their relationship (for reference: it’s a 7 hour drive (plus ferry) from Leeds to Antrim).
Morag and Luke’s relationship is so beset with issues they didn’t even have time to mention this long distance aspect which doesn’t exactly bode well for them long term.
There’s an ad break and when we come back we learn that the episode contains product placement. When you watch on the All4 player, every episode displays this message. The first time product placement was mentioned on the live show was on the Thursday (when we didn’t even get a show) and now on this episode.
How did E4 get away with not putting the product placement ad before every show? I remember the episode where Luke did the strip tease for Morag and she told Alexa to play ‘Freak Me Baby’ by Another Level. That was blatant Amazon advertising (and Another Level advertising) but there was no mention of it being product placement. E4 are really all over the place lately.
Anyway, the product placement is Morag once again being the Meryl Streep to Alexa’s Anne Hathaway, ordering her digital assistant to show her pictures of her wedding day. She tells the camera that she hopes the week away from Luke will make her appreciate him more.
She meets her mother and immediately embraces the mother’s tiny, sleepy dog. It’s funny: during Luke’s chat with his mother he cradles her little dog like a baby for the whole time. Morag’s no-nonsense mother tells Morag that Luke needs to tell her off now and then and Morag agrees.
She tells her mother she scared to break Luke’s heart. “You must love him in your own way?” offers Ma Cheryl. “I don’t know,” says Morag. “I can really see you with him,” Ma says, “but I don’t think you can see it yourself.” Morag agrees. “Mum, what am I gonna do!” she exclaims.
———
Elsewhere we see Adam enjoying the bachelor life again: working out topless, being on the balcony topless, ironing topless etc. We see him writing his final vows and see that his handwriting is very cute.
Meanwhile, Tayah is back in Hertfordshire, having a cuppa in the garden with her mother. Her mother cautions her against impulsiveness, hinting that in the past this hasn’t worked out too well for her. She tells her mother that she has no doubt that Adam is the person she’ll spend the rest of her life with.
“He’s just the best person ever,” she says. Her mother smiles warmly at this. Talk about transformations: Tayah’s mother now is totally Team Adam.
I don’t know what kind of questions the camera crew ask Tayah later on, but she tells them that she’s “actually a bit worried” about what Adam will say and starts tearing up. “Imagine if he is like ‘you’re not for me’?”
Oh, Tayah. You know what Adam’s going to say-ah. She’s also worried that he might want to play the field, but on this point I think she’s safe: if he really slept with the 700+ women he claimed to at the Boy-b-cue then he already done completed single life, if you know what I’m saying.
—- — —
There’s another ad (the nerve of E4 showing so many blasted ads after last night’s debacle) and when we return, it’s time for the final vow down. We see Morag and Luke separately heading to the designated renewal spot.
The couple’s voiceovers repeat the same sentiments that have been expressed so many times at this point, I won’t waste time summarising them.
Luke goes first. It’s the usual stuff – we’ve had ups and downs etc – and it ends with him telling her that the decision has been one of the hardest he’s ever had to make. “So often I felt like I was putting your happiness before my own, but the fact is, Morag, I realise that’s what love is.” Aww
“I may not be the man you wanted when we met on the wedding day, but you need to know that I am the man you deserve.” Morag beams during this part of the speech. “That was really lovely – and very gentle,” she says.
Now it’s her turn. She goes through the vagaries of their courtship and their differences – “I’m loud you’re quiet, I’m bold, you’re timid” (I think she’s confusing ‘quiet’ with ‘timid’ there.) “I didn’t think you were the man for me. I signed up for a ready-made man not a project,” she says.
She apologises to Luke for her inability to “let him in” earlier and she once again voices her concerns that if she commits to him now, they might just be postponing the heartbreak until a later stage. “Luke,” she says taking a deep breath: “Palmers.”
No, she doesn’t say “Palmers” but another flipping ad comes on of the Palmer’s lotion clip with a woman moisturising her legs. The bloody gumption of E4 throwing an ad in mid-sentence. “Luke, *sigh* that’s not what I want. I want you in my life – in my past, present and future. If we can survive this, we can survive anything.”
“I want to give this my all, and if you do too, then let’s start by celebrating with a glass of wine – not that I need one anymore!” she laughs, giving Luke a saucy glance. Nicely done. “You had me going there,” says Luke as the couple embrace.
Sipping wine in front of the camera, Morag tells the camera that she is so grateful to have gotten Luke as a husband. “Me and Morag are absolute proof that this experiment can work,” says Luke.
And with that, we are on to the final couple. We see footage of Adam ironing topless (lol – someone please make a sexy mafsuk calendar made entirely of images of Adam ironing topless) as Tayah’s VoiceOver once more expresses her worries that the time apart. His suit is a Conor McGregor looking number, while Tayah’s outfit looks to be a crocheted body suit with detachable sleeves.
They recite their vows in a beautiful garden as a nearby fountain tinkles gently. Tayah starts and there’s no recitation of all of the ups and downs they’ve suffered, because their time in the experiment has been a non-stop high, like a 6 week drug binge.
As such, it’s just endless compliments. “You are the kindest, most caring person I’ve ever met. You help me be the best version of myself and you help me feel at peace,” she says.
“Adam, I love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together,” she finishes.
Now it’s time for Adam’s vows. “Antigua will hold a special place in my heart. It is the place where I fell in love for the first – and last – time,” he says. Suddenly, the tense background music starts and Adam says: “Recently, I started to feel that something was missing. It’s been eating away at me and I didn’t know the right time to bring it up. That time is today.”
“I want to give you,” he pauses to clear his throat as he starts to get a bit choked up. “I want to give you that one thing that has been missing,” he says smiling and sort of swaying side to side nervously.
“Tayah, I’ve truly fallen madly in love with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you building a family and a future.” With that, he reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ring box and gets down on one knee.
Tayah, and probably a few audience members too, starts sobbing. “Tayah, will you marry me?” Asks Adam, with tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
“You being serious?” She asks. He nods and she grabs him and says “OF COURSE I WILL!” They kiss and cry and warm the hearts of the viewing public. “It’s been the perfect end to the perfect fairytale,” Tayah tells the camera.
And that, viewerfriends is that for Mafsuk season 6. Well, almost. We see a clip for the reunion show with all the old faces – like Jordon and Nikita – and we see that at least two of our couples Amy and Josh and Morag and Luke, are sitting very far apart on the reunion postmortem couch. Uh-oh. See you then!
Best Of MAFSUK 2021 Awards
Hello and welcome, viewerfriends. Wasn’t it nice of E4 to show us part of the wrong episode followed a picture of Josh instead of the final?
The picture, which was a freeze frame from the solo promos all the participants have to do (Daniel is running his hand through his hair in his one) and in an extra little haha, fuck you to the audience it was a picture of him wagging his finger as if to say ‘Nuh-uh, no #mafsuk for you, tonight viewers’.
If it wasn’t the work of a disgruntled employee it was an hilariously unfortunately coincidence for that image to be the one frozen on screen for forever.
Seeing as there is no episode to recap, I thought it might be worth looking back on some of the show so far and commending those moments which have offered the most enjoyment. So, without further ado, let us commence the Adventures in TV’s Best OF MAFSUK Awards!
Amy’s Best Outfit
Without a doubt Amy has been the standout fashion icon of the show. Bob tried hard with his elaborately adorned blazers but not a single outfit worn by anyone can compare to the unexpected appearance of the black leather jacket with the enormous pointed shoulders.
One minute she’s talking to Josh about their relationship during the final dates, the next minute she’s giving an interview to camera dressed like a sexy Herman Goering. I can’t wait to see what insane couple’s outfits she’ll make Josh wear if they make a go of it on the outside.
Slowest Burner
Gods, has there ever been a more hotly contested category? Since the show started many of the contestants have called themselves “slow burners” in an attempt to explain why they haven’t fallen in love after 3 weeks, but really there are only two candidates for this: Josh and Ant.
And since it looks like Josh has warmed to Amy since the beginning, Ant is the winner. The man petitioned to return to the experiment with Alexis, only to be totally disinterested in her.
Wettest Hanky
Oh, I know what you’re thinking – obviously this should be Bob, but he wasn’t the only one: Morag has been more than eager to shed tears at suitably dramatic moments. And what about poor Alexis? Tears over Jordon, tears over Megan, tears over Ant.
Let’s be honest though, after the commitment ceremony where Megan’s ‘cheating’ was revealed and Bob became so hysterical that the others husbands took him outside and formed a little support circle around him, it was always going to be Bob. Someone get that man a Lucozade sport.
Fun-est Bobby
The appearance of a tipsy, truth-seeking Matt at the final dinner party was both unexpected and hilarious. Merlot Matt asks the hard questions viewers wish we could ask. Merlot Matt speaks the truth to power. Merlot Matt won’t let Morag away with not loving Luke back with 100% of her heart. Merlot Matt will hold a wine goblet, lean back and roll his eyes at your nonsense.
Home(stay) Wrecker
Another hotly contested category. This year’s homestays caused more drama than expected. Matt’s mother was not swept up in her son’s new found love and grilled them like a couple of salmon before admitting that she was scared that she’d be “cut out” of Matt’s new life in the Dan’s NI mediation retreat. Amy’s mates interrogated Josh like he knew the formula for Coke.
However, nothing compared to Morag’s Mean Mate who basically told Luke he wasn’t “alpha” enough for Morag and that their relationship was doomed to failure.
Greatest Love
How to possibly determine the best of the many great love stories featured this season? By amount of time spent smooching? One solid indicator of love is how much time a person spends talking about their loved one when they’re not around and using this rubric there is one clear winner: Daniel and Northern Ireland.
There were points of this season when I wanted to scream ‘why are you even on this show? Just go and married Northern Ireland if you love it so much!’
Reddest Flag
Was it when Franky told Mar not to speak when he was speaking? When he called the writer of the anonymous letter “a bitching little bitch”? Or was it Morag telling Luke that he wasn’t really man enough for her? Really, this show had more flags than a naval Pride parade.
All things considered though, the reddest flag was probably when Nikita turned into Hulkita at the dinner party calling Jordon a “fucking Welsh *BLEEP*!” This turned out to be a real warning because we later found out that after the party Nikita displayed a level of aggression that was “unacceptable” and was removed from the experiment.
Since E4 have announced that the second part of the finale will air tonight at 9pm (fingers crossed) tomorrow will be the penultimate MAFSUK season 6 recap. Sob.
See you then viewerfriends!
Married At First Sight UK Season 6, Episode 19 Recap | The Final Vow-down, Pt 1
Hello and welcome viewerfriends. We have arrived at the penultimate episode of Married at First Sight UK, not counting next Monday’s reunion. God, just wait until next week when E4 starts airing MAFS AU. That show has at least 35 episodes and so many reunions.
Tonight it’s the first part of the final vows where 2.5 of the remaining five couples will make the decision whether to keep on trucking in their not-legally-binding marriages, or to break up on national TV. This episode will feature Matt and Dan, Mar and Frank, and ends on a cliffhanger with Amy and Josh.
I’m going to be honest here, viewerfriends. In terms of most interesting elements of the show, the final vows are usually the dullest. When ranked most to least interesting, it goes: reunion, dinner party, commitment ceremony, wedding, homestay, final vows.
And the reason it is thus is because by time of the final vows, there’s usually very little mystery left; the couples either like each other or don’t. This year, it’s really only Morag and maybe Josh that are real wildcards. We can kind of predict what’s happening with the others.
Anyway, on to the show. We see the couples preparing to separate ahead of the vows and find out that one partner will stay and the other will head home for the week.
Out on the balcony, we see Matt drinking what looks to be a Berroca and after last night I bet he needs it, the bon vivant. Dan says he’s happy that now the process is over he’ll no longer have to poke and prod other people’s relationships. Matt nods along even though we know the man enjoys poking into people’s lives more than Stacy Dooley.
Upstairs (or wherever) a cool Franky tries to hide his sadness as Mar packs her suitcase. He tells the camera that he is excellent at goodbyes, just like he is at everything else but his face tells another story as he mournfully waves Mar out of the bunker.
Elsewhere Dan makes Matt laugh by telling him he’s prepared him a snack for the journey and then handing him a squash, a bell pepper and a cucumber. Ah herbivorous comedy. An acquired taste – just like a raw veg diet.
Amy and Josh are messing around as he packs up before heading back to London. Things seem very relaxed between the pair for once. Amy tells the camera that as an ancient crone of 34 (good lord) time is a-wasting and she needs to know if Josh is the one. Back in the room, Josh tells Amy that he won’t miss her sage and crystal and other mystical accoutrements. She tells Josh not to forget about her and you know what he does then, viewerfriends? He rolls his eyes, mirroring Amy’s favourite expression.
Mirroring as we know is a good sign. Maybe they will stick together? We’ll find out tomorrow I suppose since the show ends on a cliffhanger.
She hugs him goodbye, clinging on to him like a baby koala to a fireman before returning to the couch to place a pointy look crystal on her forehead. Okay.
Mel pops up and tells us that at this crucial (aren’t they all!) point in the experiment the couples will want to seek the advice of loved ones on what do next.
Matt is back (for good?) in Leeds for a pre-renewal chat with his mother. She has not changed her skepticism that sincere love can be found on an E4 dating show. She prods about where they’ll live – why won’t Dan come to Leeds? She tells the camera that although she believes Matt is in love, she doesn’t know it can last in the real world.
She tells Matt that she suspects that the time apart will make them feel differently and when Matt asks if she feels Dan is genuine she says “Yes..but is he a good actor?” This is the type of mother you want in your corner. I’m not surprised he’s reluctant to move away from this gal. She tells him she her hope is that he’s not being hoodwinked.
Back in the apartment Dan is video chatting with his parent on the balcony. He raises concerns about Matt being able to handle a change of pace in rural Antrim, especially at this “late time” of his life. He hangs up and sips his broccoli infused cold press, looking pensively into the middle distance.
Up in Yorkshire, Marilyse is hanging with her glamorous sister and mate. She tells them that if she was childless, she would love to move to Dubai with Franky, but since he’s one who’ll be doing the moving, the pressure is on her to be certain about the strength of her feelings. Her mate tells her not to feel guilty if it doesn’t work out.
It’s the day of the renewals. There’s tense music playing as Matt puts on his suit, and as Dan walks through the forest sock-less (seriously, no one wears socks anymore.) The couple’s vow renewal takes place on a lovely manicured walk next to a lake. The meet at the lakeside and Matt goes first with his vows/decision. The speech is very nice but it’s all stuff we’ve heard before. “I love you, Dan,” says matt. “And that is why, for me, there is no real decision.” Aw.
“I will always have your back and you will always have my heart,” he finishes.
Daniel’s vows are similar to Matt’s – all about finding love, laughter and friendship and whether moving for each other is a good idea. “Do I need to be cruel to be kind?” asks Dan. “The truth of the matter is that I’m in love with you, Matthew.” He says that he always though of himself as a slow burner until he met a flame as bright as Matt. Aww.
“This experiment has taught me that a place doesn’t define a home – it’s the person you share it with.” He finishes by saying let’s get out of here and make some memories. It’s lovely. They kiss and hug and the happy music plays. Best of lucky to ‘em. I hope Matt gets really into surfing and interpretive dance and Antrim.
Amy and Josh have separated to meet up with mates for a final bit of advice. In London, Josh chats to his mate about Amy’s tantrums. He tells him he’s worried about the age gap because it only works if both partners are moving at the same speed and right now, Amy is moving full speed ahead to Husband and Baby Town. Josh tells the camera that his head is “scrambled”.
Franky and Marilyse meet in the centre of a wooden ring to exchange their vows. Franky goes first and in an unexpected move, delivers his vows in rhyming verse. The final couplet reads: “On our wedding day I promised to fill our days with respect, loyalty, compassion and positivity/ I want to says these principles will never, ever cease and finally I also want to say: I love you, Marilyse.” Fair dos it is sweet and Mar looks pleased.
She reads her vows and says how proud she was to see him through battle his reticence and challenge people’s misconceptions about him. She ends by telling him that she wants him to be a continuing presence in her life. They share a lingering kiss. Franky tells the camera that now he knows what a “soulmate” is. Mar says she’s got everything she wants in Franky “and maybe a bit more.” Aw, okay.
And so we arrive at our final couple. We hear Josh pondering Amy’s mood swings and pall they’ve cast on their relationship thus far. He says this is a time when he needs to be selfish and think about whether he sees Amy in his future. “I really don’t want to make Amy upset so I just hope she agrees with the choice that I’ve made.” Hmmm, interesting.
Amy’s VoiceOver says the separation from Josh also forced her to reflect on the bad as well as the good in the relationship so far. “Do I go full defence mode or do I go with my heart?” She wonders.
When they meet next to some stone columns, both of them are wearing white. Amy is literally wearing a wedding dress. Josh smiles at her as she begins to read her vow. She reminds him that he was so reserved that he didn’t even kiss her on the wedding day. “I asked myself ‘am I being mugged off?’ Am I wasting my time on someone who’s just not that into me?” she reads.
And there’s where the episode finishes, right on a flipping cliffhanger.
How do you think this one is going to go, viewerfriends? I honestly am not sure about these two. Up until a few days ago I would have been certain that Josh would not be renewing his view but now I’m not entirely sure. Compare the Josh of the wedding the day – who was so standoffish with Amy that I was sure they’d be gone come the first commitment ceremony – with last dinner party Josh: holding hands, laughing and supporting Amy at the table. He has come a long way and it seems like he might really like Amy. Not as much she likes him, obviously, but enough to maybe want to continue on?
However, on the flip side, Josh has been the most consistently realistic spouse in the experiment. It’s easy – nay, actively encouraged – to get swept up in all the romantic dates and couples’ counselling. The next thing you know you’re saying ‘I love yous’ and picking out baby names after 6 weeks. Not Josh though. No amount of pressure from the production crew or the other couples or the experts could force him into a premature profession of love. And, I don’t see him saying it now either.
So, I’m quite interested it see how this goes. I think Amy will say ‘stay’ or ‘renewal’ or whatever the appropriate affirmative is, but Josh, as I said earlier is a wildcard.
We see a clip for the final episode and hear Josh read: “Making the decision I have today has not been an easy one..”. Then we see Morag tell Luke that she signed up looking for “a ready-made man, not a project”. And then we hear a ‘bombshell’ will be dropped by Adam and from the clip it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to propose for realsies.
See you then for the final, viewerfriends!
Married at First Sight UK airs at 9pm, Monday – Thursday on E4
Married At First Sight UK: Season 6, Episode 18 | Say Hello To Matt Merlot
It’s here, viewerfriends. The last dinner party already. Can you believe it? This one is probably going to be a snooze-fest since the remaining couples are all so pally-pally, right?
Wrong.
No spoilers but it turns out that this dinner party might’ve had an open-pour policy, or else the couples all snuck in secret naggins of buckfast or something cos they. get. tipsy.
We see the obligatory preparation footage before the party: men ironing, women doing make-up, Adam is ironing topless while Tayah does her make-up. When the camera is on Tayah you can see that as she’s talking to Adam her eyes keep wandering down to his buff bod. He is also wearing a pair of incredibly tight trousers. Maybe she was expecting him to burst out of them like the Hulk. They discuss whether Luke and Morag will work. They decide that it will ultimately rest on Morag’s ability to woman up.
Over in the lair of the Lorag, Luke tells Morag he’s nervous that the topic of homestays will come up because he feels like he let Morag down. Excuse me, what? What homestay episode was he watching? Morag for her part is just “genuinely” looking to have fun.
They may not be fundamentally compatible but they both use ‘genuinely’ and ‘generally’ as synonyms so at least they’ve got that.
We catch up with Matt and Dan. Dan is ironing and Matt is speaking about how Morag has made a “mug” of Luke. Ever the peace-loving hippie, Dan offers noncommittal shrugs. Outside Matt tells the camera that it’s really not okay for Morag to try and change Luke into the meaty, mean airhead of her dreams. “The person he is inside is what’s most important and Morag should be able to see that.”
Mel shows up and reminds us that dinner parties are high pressure situations for the couples because “everyone wants to know everyone’s business”. You said it, girl. Right on cue, we see Matt and Dan in their cab. Matt says that he has “certain questions” tonight. There is some very tense music underscoring the cab rides so there’s definitely something brewing.
—————-
We catch up with the experts in their observation chamber. “Tonight we’re going to get some interesting insights,” says Mel. “I don’t know if they’ll all successfully stay in their relationships,” says Paul earnestly. Honestly, where did they get this guy? We’ll be lucky to pull in Kitchen Nightmare stats here which is roughly 1 success for every 50 failures here.
Anyway, first in the door are Matt and Dan. Matt is wearing a suit and Dan is wearing a maroon shirt with a cream jumper strewn insouciantly over his shoulders. From the front it just looks like a white scarf. He tells Matt he hopes tonight goes well as he really doesn’t want any “dramz”. Get out now, child because drama’s a-coming.
Next in are Morag and Luke. Straight off Matt asks how the home-stays went. They agree it was a shit show, but at least Morag got to see a different side of Luke and she says quite liked it. “When you’re pissed off you’re really sexy,” she says. “Ahaha..yeah,” responds Luke. “Just don’t keep pushing me.”
Marilyse and Franky are next in, quickly followed by Tadam, who regale everyone with their adorable home-stay experience. Super. Amy and Josh are in next. Amy is wearing another high-fashion number pink, with huge shoulder pads. The experts notice that Josh is also wearing pink.
Now everyone is here, Matt asks for the group’s best and worst moments of the experiment. Luke cites his hellish experience with Morag’s mean mate. He says he felt “alone” in that moment. Morag says that she should’ve been there for her husband but she was wrapped up in her own thoughts. He tells the group that he wanted to walk away, but Morag didn’t want it to end.
Morag says that her best part has been watching “how far” Luke has come, compared to how he was at the beginning. “That’s nice,” Luke tells her.
Outside, Matt has a different read. “I really hope Morag can up her game and accept Luke for who he is but from some of her comments today about loving that fact that he’s ‘changing’ does worry me.” Hmmm.
Josh is asked about his experience meeting Amy’s friends. He tells them that they grilled him like the slab of impassive meat that he is and that eventually he told them what they wanted to hear so they’d leave him alone. This is clearly something Josh has been doing all along. If you watch the earlier commitment ceremonies he basically acquiesces to everything that the experts say.
However, this is news to Amy who shoots him a concerned glance, possibly at the realisation that standard interrogation tactics don’t work on this man. Expert Charlene speculates that Amy’s mates were probably asking the questions that she wants to know that answers to, namely: do you love Amy, Josh?
Overall it’s a hopeful group gathered at the table munching their entrees and sipping their Chardonnay. Amy stands up to give a speech, saying now that Bob’s gone, finally someone else has the chance to speak. The content is basically: let’s enjoy tonight. If only it were that easy, Amy.
Tayah announces to the table that she and Adam are “expecting”. A puppy, not a baby. And by the sounds of it they’ve bought a designer dog (a “cockapoo”) instead of adopting one, like decent people, so fuck them. When the honesty box comes out I hope it blows their relationship to pieces.
On that note, the ‘honesty box’ aka the hurt locker appears on the table. The couples know what this means. Dan asks Matt his question first: “If you could make any of other husband at the table gay who would it be or why?”
“It would 100% be Luke,” he says, “because Luke has the purest heart..You’d make anybody the most amazing husband. Morag, you are so lucky to have that guy” he points his finger empathically at a bashful Luke. Matt appears to be a little tipsy, and looking around the table, he’s not the only one. There are some glazed eyes and crooked smiles out there.
Next, Franky asks Mar: “Do you want to have a child with me?” Amy’s reaction expressions to these questions are priceless. Her eyes nearly pop out of her skull at this one. “Right now the answer is no,” Mar says. “I’m not going to rush into having a child right now.” The tense music plays but I’m not sure why, since we’ve already seen them have this conversation yesterday and we know the answer. Evidently the producers expected it to generate some dramatic tension but it doesn’t so we move along to the next question.
The question is for Josh: “What do you love about Amy?” asks Adam. “She bears me in mind all the time,” he said. Amy jumps in and says that two weeks ago her wrote her a list of 50 things he likes about her and two things he didn’t. “The two things..took an hour,” she says.
“WHAT WERE THEY?” says Matt, thirsty for the sweet nectar of drama. “I wouldn’t says she selfish but sometimes she not consideration. Sometimes it can be all about Amy,” he says. We don’t get a reaction shot of her when he says this, but since there’s not dramatic outburst we move swiftly along to the next question.
Franky asks Mar: “Is it too much pressure for you if I move my entire life back here from Dubai?”
“If it was for other reasons like your mum, a new life for yourself, I’d totally accept it. If it was just purely for me I’d feel pressure.” He tells her that it’s “80%” for her and as that as soon as she told him she had kids, he was already thinking about moving back. Again, this is contradictory information, and Franky delivers it as though it has been pre-prepared. For some reason, triumphant music is playing, like we’re seeing something really special here when their relationship has been mostly a cause for concern.
Luke is positively giddy to read the next question (seriously, they’ve never been this drunk before – I bet the restaurant /production staff are still giving them a wine allotment for 8 couples instead of the current 6. Or at least that’s the excuse they’ll use to Ofcom).
“What’s the sexiest thing about me?” Luke asks Morag. “When you get aggressive, honey!” Morag laughs. To their left, a disapproving Matt, who is leaning back holding a wine glass like Tyrion Lannister, turns lazy-lidded to Dan and half-whispers “..but that’s not him.” Dan pretends not to hear or acknowledge it, keeping an awkward smile on his face instead. HA! Dan knows where this is headed. Maybe they were late back from their honeymoon because Matt was detained at the airport for defended some other under-appreciated husband in Customs.
“BUT is the fiery side Luke, or not Luke?” asks Matt. “It’s not Luke but it is a side of him that I hadn’t seen yet and obviously I need that fire and that passion.” Matt sighs dramatically but no one notices. I’m so disappointed that this Matt is only making an appearance now during the last dinner party. But I suppose Matt’s kind of drama is sort of second-wave.
In reality shows like this one where dramatic interactions are not only encouraged but de rigour a certain kind of person must be selected. Those people are the first wave and they are they most explosive ones, the sexiest ones, the most tearful ones. Basically, your Nikitas, your Ants and Alexis’ and your Bobs and Morags. They are the sharks in the tank and they keep things moving. They almost inevitably explode early, leaving a big boring drama-less trench in the show. BUT if producers are clever and pick a suitably strong second wave cast (like Amy and Matt) then the fireworks will continue. This viewerfriends is what is happening in #MAFS tonight.
Anyway, back at the table the second wave assault on Morag and Luke’s relationship continues. “I’m a bit old school with the whole love thing. If it’s there it’s there.” Matt tells the couple. “I think you know deep down whether..it’s going to be this big love.”
Outside he tells the camera that Luke is an amazing person, “but Morag is not the person for him.”
Question time continues inside. Amy asks Josh: “Do you love me?” Oh my god, fucking give it a rest producers. Josh once again talks about how he doesn’t fall in love quickly etc, but Merlot Matt is having none of it mate. “JOSH! Do you love Amy?” He roars in exasperation.
Amy looks at Josh and says “Answer me, not the group.” He tells her he has loads of love for her but it slow to fall in love because of his life experiences. He continues talking until he gets to “I could fall in love with you, yes.” The rest of the gang applaud and a delighted Amy gives him a big kiss, conveniently putting to the back of her mind the bit the information from early that he when he’s under interrogation he’ll tell you what you want to hear. “You love me!” shouts Amy. Across the table Matt rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in a gesture of pure AMY COP-ON TO YOURSELF LOVE.
Next question is for Morag. Matt sits forward in his chair for this one. “‘Why was the old Luke not good enough for you?’” she reads. Luke just stares sadly at the table, hearing this. “I really wanna know the answer to this one,” Matt says twice. Morag turns to Luke and says “Can I just ask the question: was the old Luke good enough for you?”
“Don’t flip it around on him!” Tayah says quickly. Matt backs her up. “Don’t do that,” he says to Morag before asking “why?”. “Leave her to answer,” says Josh. “I’m gunna leave her answer, but I I wanna know the answer.”
Morag says that the original Luke, Luke 1.0 from the beginning was still on a journey of self discovery. “I picked up on that..it was hard to see you struggling,” she says. A frowning Matt throws up his hands once more in exasperation while next to him Dan is staring vacantly into the distance, presumably visiting his happy place by the sea. “I’m gonna explode any second,” he says, a bit too loudly, to Dan. “Oh dear,” says Dan.
“What was the struggle?” Asks Matt. “..I felt Luke’s pain..” Morag begins before Matt cuts across her with “What pain? He is who he is!” Morag disputes this, saying the Luke Matt met was a different one to the one she met. “I met a really amazing Luke,” Matt counters.
“Yes, I got a lot wrong in the beginning,” Morag concedes. “HOW does that make you feel now,” Matt says animatedly, pointing his index and pinky fingers at Morag.
She says that she knows now that the checklist she had coming into the experiment for what a perfect man should be was “complete bollocks”. She says that they’ve both been on a journey of self discovery and her issue wasn’t that Luke wasn’t good enough more that just “wasn’t there yet.”
“Fair enough,” says Luke, still looking sad. Good work, honesty box. He says that he felt as though he was fine, but he doesn’t think he really was because he didn’t love himself. A tearful Morag says they are both completely different now to when they started the process.
Expert Paul says the Morag has been through the most in the experiment and gone through a process of self-reevaluation.
Back at the table a very pissed Luke continues to tell the table how deep down he knows how Morag feels about him, and regardless of what happens she has already changed his life. Outside she tells the camera that she hopes her candour shows Luke how much she cares.
Dan and Matt read the next question and it’s a reliable drama creator: “Rank the couples in order of best to worst matched, include yourselves.” This is a good one. They award the easiest first: Adam and Tayah, best couple. They award themselves second, Mar and Franky third. When it comes to awarding 4th, Matt says he’s “split” (because there’s no way he’s not giving Lorag last place, right?) But Dan jumps in and says “Luke you’ve been so vulnerable..and Morag you’ve been vulnerable but not as vulnerable because of past experiences..”
“Fourth,” interrupts Amy pointing at Lorag and then at herself and Josh: “Fifth”.
The Experts point out that having her relationship ranked last is probably going to “land very heavily” for Amy. If by “land hard” they mean ‘cause a tantrum’ then, yeah they might be right. The next question is for Amy: “who are you most surprised to still be here tonight, in terms of the experiment?”
Amy picks Morag and Luke because they had a lot of issues which were not “petty” like the issues she and Josh have encountered. “I know me and Josh have had issues, but ours were very petty and like yours ran a bit deeper. I thought maybe you wound’t make it to the end.”
“I think a lot of us thought that about you guys as well,” says Merlot Matt, clearly eager to keep the drama train a-chugging. Dan tells Josh that he’s happy for the couple and Josh looks pleased.
Franky stands up and decides to deliver a speech. He thanks the matchmakers for finding him the love of his life. “I am literally the happiest man alive,” he says looking completely miserable. If you’re really that happy tell your face, because you looked like you enjoyed almost being thrown by a horse more.
Paul applauds Franky for speaking so much and being so emotional. Seriously, now Paul, what episode are you watching because a) Franky pontificates almost as much as Bob cries and b) he expressed more emotion eating a burger at the Boy-b-que than just now. Someone needs to revoke Paul’s expert credentials. Expert Charlene says it was courageous, which is fair enough.
Tayah reads the next one: “Rank the couples in order of how long you think they will last for the following amounts of time: Forever, 2 decades, 2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days.” Tayah picks she and Adam to last forever. Two decades she awards to Dan and Matt (so, so wrong), two years she gives Franky and Mar. She gives two weeks to Morag and Luke, assuring them that she’s sure they’ll actually last a long time.
“I don’t know if you can all feel this fucking table rocking, because that is my legs fucking going from anxiety ‘cause I am fucked off right now.” Three F bombs in the one sentence. She must be raging. “Why are you fucked off?” Tayah asks. “Because we’re gonna get two days,” Amy responds tersely.
Tayah exclaims that she hasn’t gotten to know them as a couple and tells Amy not to take it personally, to which Amy rolls her eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes, Amy” says Tayah. Amy denies rolling her eyes (though she definitely did). “We’re coming off last,” she says, shrugging her massive shoulders-pads.
“You’ve not been that open within your relationship,” says Matt. “What? We’ve been fucking more than open,” says Josh who feels like he’s been super candid but let’s face it: his family weren’t at the wedding or homestays and all the other couples know about him is that he’s definitely not in love with Amy (yet). The man is practically a mystery.
Matt tries to pry some more but Franky comes to Josh’s rescue. “Josh, like I, in public is a bit of a closed book, but you get us behind closed doors, buddy, and we open up,” he says.
Yeah but we’ve seen how close you folks are, says Matt, but we haven’t seen that from Amy and Josh. Most people agree that this is a fair assessment. Outside Amy tells the camera that their relationship is “misunderstood” by the group.
“When did you know that you loved me?” Tayah asks Adam. He cites a game of tennis they had on honeymoon and says that after that he knew. She tells the group that she feels “blessed” to have met someone like Adam. “I feel very at peace with my life now.” Bleurg.
Luke tells Matt that he thinks that he and Morag’s many disagreements up until now will only serve to make them stronger in the outside world. “We’ve got through adversities early,” he says. “Some of the couples that haven’t had that – it will come at some point.”
“And that worries me,” says Matt. Right on schedule, the next question is for Daniel and Matt reads it. “What do you see as our biggest challenge ahead?” Three guesses as to what the answer will be. “I thought it was the location,” he says, “but I think there are a lot of reservations about whether you’re ready and willing to move.” Dan obviously knows how much Matt loves Leeds and his family. His face is sadly serious. Matt gives it some waffle about embracing life and says “who knows where we could end up?”
Adam rounds the evening off with a bland speech to lasting relationships. Huzzah! And that’s pretty much it. We get a clip of tomorrow and it’s the final vows part one. *The final vow-down.. da-da da-da*. See you then, viewerfriends.
Married at First Sight UK airs at 9pm, Monday – Thursday on E4
Be Unkind, Rewind 